Sometimes you just gotta call a spade a spade.

Hi,

Yup, in my case that spade is depression. I've kinda skirted round it over the last few days but I have to say there comes a point where euphemisms no longer cut it and you gotta deal with what is in fact staring you between the eyes.

S'funny though, what wth the anti testosterone stuff and the oestrogen I kinda had to wait it out and figure if the mood changes were just the usual highs and lows in that process or not.

How much thoughts and feeelings are parts of the physical me, and thus results of that narrative is an ever present question. But no, reaching just past noon on the fourth consecutive day of disinterest I would suggest there is more to this than chemical, yet depression is by its very definition a chemically derived imbalance.

But that's not really the case is it..? Thats just a mechanism for how it comes about. "Made of" rather than "is" The cause, in my case, is circumstantial, entirely deep and meaningful and yet simultaneously banal and shallow. I have no point, no purpose to life that I can find on a daily basis. I exist for sure but the reason for that is hidden from me.

Perhaps life is it's own ends and means, and we are mere cattle on the train to inevitable doom, no more meaningful than any other creature one could mention....

Seeking solitude but disliking ones own company, finding interaction with the world both intimidating and annoying, and having nothing to say yet wanting people to hear.. If that aint classic depressive manifestations i dunno what is.

I mentioned faith in my last blog. That's the core of it. I have little faith that people give a shit. By which I don't mean those who know "me" whom i would count as friends. I mean those who don't know and don't wish to, who would discard application or discount ability without a second's recourse to the consequence of that action.

Faith that people who do not know me, yet with whom i interact might actually see more than their preconceptions. As result of this lack of faith in others.. hope is lessened. you follow that to its logical conclusion and you end up at a point where you believe nothing you do will effect the outcome. So you don't bother.

It's erroneous logic of course...i'm sure Spock would concur,

But then the whole point here is that emotion isn't logical is it? And escape from this point requires everything that is lacking currently.

So, logically, I'm gonna try phase 1 of the kick my own ass program, "sleep". Since my heads a bag of spaghetti i'll give the brain every chance to re org and come back with its shit together.


laters.


Epilogue. The reboot went well. Click here to see what came of it...