Time, & reflection

Hi World.


Well after the week beginning on a dose of positivity, welcome to what is known as the hump of the week. Wednesday.

That's entirely coincidental of course, but this morning I woke up after having had a pretty awesome couple of days, and perhaps oddly I just wasn't feeling the love.

Why so?

It's an old habit from my years as a nurse. Reflection. During quiet times my mind wanders and I look back on significant points in life, whether recent or otherwise, and ask "could I have done that better?"

Invariably when ya get to middle age the answer is more often than not a resounding yes. After all one does not accumulate 42 years worth of experiences without having made some awesomely bad judgement calls. You'll know if you've read my other articles that I'm a fan of the writings of Plato, and the stories of Socrates.

"The unexamined life is not worth living"

The above is a quote allegedly by the latter. The inference being that one must learn from the  examination of ones own life, past present and potential future, in order to live from that point forward in a better manner than one has previously. 

Of course any reflection on any situation is both subjective and somewhat reactive. So it was today. In reflecting on the past 2 months of my life, and some significant ..... events ...... that have lead down some unexpected paths, I am brought once again to the realisation I am something of a walking contradiction. 

My somewhat detached observation of the human species and the philosophical thought process leads me to be a little misanthropic at times. Perhaps that's overly harsh, but its long been said I don't suffer fools gladly..  (I think the first time that was levelled at me as character trait I wasn't even in senior school)

Yet contrast that with the altruistic and caring nature that lead me to train in healthcare, and still to this day drives my wish to help my "fellow man", then one has quite the recipe for some internal conundrums. 

If one was also to sprinkle this odd pairing of character traits with a little burn out, some emotional shut down, social isolation plus just a pinch of vulnerabilities and insecurities - all of which are born of those experiences we are reflecting upon - then it becomes quite the heady brew at times. 

So having unpicked all of that by virtue of spending a few hours on the sofa in a mess of snot bubbles and tears (yes really) whilst staring into the inner reaches of my own head, one ultimately has to ask what now? 

Where is the lesson(s) here? After all each must find their own path, and knowing it and walking it are not the same thing. 

The first lesson would appear to be that the person who "doesn't suffer fools" has come to realise that they are one. Or at least I am as capable of being foolish as anyone else on the planet. Therefore I'm currently not my biggest fan. 

The second lesson is that self examination is not a painless endeavour...truth hurts. It hurts like hell. 

Thirdly, A realisation that I am here. I am around. Despite all my failures, faults, flippancy and faux par's over the years I am still standing. A little wiser and a little battered perhaps, but still stood. Sure I have a record of doing stupid shit, but I also have a record of recovering from it... 

".......and that is an encouraging thought"

                                            Gandalf.

So whilst today is the hump of the week, and I'm obliged to spend some time with my insecurities and fears, Thursday and Friday are approaching, and the sun continues to shine, albeit unseen behind every cloud. The lesson here is that nothing is ever permanent. Failure, like anything else, is only temporary. 

And perhaps also it serves as a reminder that "belief" is the maker of all things, for without it nothing would be viewed as possible, or even probable, and therefore every endeavour deemed pointless at the outset. My own experiences are cause for a belief that faith in myself and my abilities is well founded, since I'm not without success in life. However those same experiences are also cause to beleive that "people" are an unknown quantity at best. 

Yet "no man is an island", or if you like, there's only six degrees of Kevin Bacon. Those "unknown quantities" are the very thing one needs to put oneself in the path of in order to progress through life. 

All of which, ironically brings me back to a point that was the very reason I started these blogs many months back. Sometimes, being "stubbornly optimistic" is all you have left. But also, it's exactly what is needed.  

Just how you go about that though, well that's another matter... 

xSarahx

Sometimes Early is good...

Hey peeps.

This week's been an interesting one, and probably will be something of a pivotal one when I look back on the  story of my life from the vantage point of the nursing home bed in a few years ...

I'm sat here writing at 0730 on a Monday and shortly heading up into Scotland for a medical appointment. I've been awake since 0430, since the big ball in sky woke me up ...

This coming week is gonna see the building of the deck for the new workshop/studio, the teacher training thing is happening in Sept and all in all things just seem to be going in a more or less positive direction.

Sure there are challenges and problems of course, but that's just part of life, which puts me in mind  of the following:

It's funny that I - a serious thinking sort - tend to remember a load of quotes from film's at specific times, yet the films are of course fantasy stories. Then again, what is a story but something someone writes about? Many of these  stories  speak to the human condition.

Your attitude to life writes your story whilst you live it. It does this whether you choose to pay attention or not, and at the end, if you didn't like the plot, well its a bit late at that point innit?

So, you have the  pen, and the day's page is still blank....what ya gonna write?

Laters

xSarahx

5 past tomorrow

5 past. 

It's 5 past tomorrow

or is it already today? 

sat here, writing down 

what I need to say...

5 past the midnight hour, 

 I indulge my head 

in it's wandering ways, 

Navigating oh so carefully, 

that murky, misty maze

5 past late, 

Time to switch off

to dim down glowing screen 

& to park 

the memory 

of all that I've seen. 

It's 5 past tomorrow

in clock hand's slow sweep

I can't help but wonder   

after pondering slumber, 

"Will this day will be Ours?". 

Our's to keep? 

It's 5 past today, 

and its time to get going

face the word and do stuff, 

all the while knowing:

It's 5 past wherever 

and that time is fleeting

so be who you be, 

& do what you do. 

How you spend your time?

well:

That's up to you.

Stream of consciousness....random running nerdy stuff and why it's wise to be silly..

Hey Internet's..

I had a conversation today with a friend who is in a support group online. Actually we both are but that's kinda the point.

It raised an interesting question. "Laughter and having a bit of a giggle" ..  in this case my posting of a link online that I thought was a giggle and that others in the group might like but had nowt to do with trans "stuff"

Here's the link in question.. since it remains as funny as ever if you're a geeky science nerd... and fan of the MCU..

So what you might ask? My friend suggested this was in their view diluting the groups ethos and main focus of being a trans-specific support network. It's not unusual for many "support" groups to do something akin to this in terms of non specific social interactions, things like games nights or similar.

But does it detract from the serious business of the support as it is required.?

In my view as long as theres a healthy balance then no, but its fair to say one does have to keep a balance between core mission and the other stuff. Consider that in many cases I've seen chronic condition sufferers end up defining their life solely by their condition, and thus they let the other stuff, hobbies and interests, things that define them as people slide a bit.

"Support groups", and the medical profession in general are invested in a continued need of their service provision, and its certainly the case that both have on occasion forgotten to address the person and focused on the condition only. Now of course its not a complete analogy with a sales model but you get the idea: supply of people needing help keeps support groups in business, and the wards full of ill people.

But here is where people who suggest that "fun stuff" detracts from the core ethos, and thus harms the  group often get the cause and effect reversed. Support groups exist because the people need them. much like wards. And their primary aim should not be "their existence" but their members recovery. Indeed the medical profession has long recognised that "mental health" is a great factor in recovery of  even specifically physiological procedures  ..  hip replacements and anything  requiring post op physiotherapy is a great example. Attitude and approach are a patient's best weapons in the fight  back to health.

And thus it is with support groups and other things. Individuals will "recover", as per their own journey & thus their use of support may diminish, but someone else will always be in need somewhere because theres a heck of a lot more demand than supply. For every person who may be put off by a non specific activity, there may also be one who likes it and kinda gets that holistic nature of viewing people as whole beings, not just a condition or need to be met. If one takes the thought process too far down a medical analogy route, one gets to a the question of autonomy and because invaluably support groups rely heavily on self referral this is self limiting. People choose whether or not to engage, and the wisdom of that choice is a reflection of their own self awareness.

It's much the same argument as the old "work - life balance" equation... It's an easy mistake to define yourself (or others) by what you/they do, or in this case have or need.... and to forget that you are much much more than the sum of your problems or challenges. It's a mistake I spent years living.

Anyhow..that's my ten pence worth...  For my part I've just gotten my lazy ass back into training after wallowing in my head for far to long over winter. Is that a  "permanent recovery?" who knows?






But just for today.. I'm OK.

Tomorrow? I'll go for a run... and leave the rest to providence.

But I'm sure there will be a few laughs along the way.

So....

Do you belong to your problems, or are they yours to command?

Decide... and make it happen.

laters people

xSarahx

Moving on and moving... up?

Hi world...

It's been a while since I did a more personal blog, rather than a conceptual one, So I thought I'd give  you an update on a few things that have been occurring.

I graduated! I've spent the last year doing a chartered management course at local college, and I passed, so here a pic of me and my mate celebrating.

Next is a teaching qualification.. slated to start sept the 11th. Really looking forward to that, since it'll tie up a few loose ends with the assessing qual that I am still not quite done with, and also be dead interesting.

I'm back running again ... after a really really low winter. Low mood, low energy and just low everything. I would be riding but the bike's are outta commission and I've had to push funds in other directions. It's odd that i've ran more KM's this year than i've ridden. Thats not happened in a while.

Which brings me to my next point. Plans. They say no plan survives first contact with either the enemy or reality, and so it is with my plans for a workshop. They have been delayed, sidelined retracted and re jigged soooo many times its like groundhog day on permanent repeat... that shit gets boring.

No.. Really. It does.

An old teacher of mine said "life happens while you plan other things" and it's stuck with me through life. Yet if you fail to plan you plan to fail. In this case the workshop is FINALLY happening.

Funds were in place, and the thing is ordered... a nice big multi purpose space that once done should see SnS take on a bit more of a proper footing and increase my ability to "make shit happen" I've no pictures yet but I plan to document the whole comedic process here and on You tube so you can all have a chuckle at  my expense.

And finally - the transition stuff.

After a while you tend to forget about the passage of time and just get on with the other stuff in life. yet at my last sit down chat with the specialist Doc he said that i've passed a couple of time line based  miles stones and so am eligible for some legal documentation and also more medical opinion stuff.

Yup, two years since name change and one year on meds. It's like the old adage of overnight success: instant, yet thirty years in the making.

So I'm off up to Scotland next week for that 2nd opinion.. a very kind friend who knows her way round having visited before is doing the driving, so that's kinda cool...

Heck the way things are going I may even end up with a contract soon! now wouldn't that be a thing!

Be the change you want in your life. Be that friend you want to have. Be life, Be love,Be you. 

BE-cause you can.