The faithful Navigator....

Hello! Tis Sunday again.

What a busy week! Family stuff saw me buzzing unexpectedly down and back up the A1 a few times,  and other stuff just keeps happening in life's usual random way.

It's those random things that I'm thinking of as I write this. For the usual mundane reasons of keeping a roof over my head etc I'm applying for various jobs whilst simultaneously completing my management diploma, and embarking on an NVQ assessors award. Being a few decades old, and having been and done a couple of things, plus holding a fistful of papers that detail my skill set, one would think that this isn't such a big issue. I'm not looking for rocket science jobs, just something that enables me to do the other stuff I've set myself as goals. The usual time/money equation.

So. I recently went for a job at a well known retailer. They deal in bikes amongst other things. Online process? check. Telephone interview? check. Store chat and interview? check.

"It'll take around 2 weeks for a decision so we will let you know"

24 hours later an email arrives in my inbox.

"Blah blah .....other candidates more closely match the skill set were looking for.....blah blah..."

Hmm. ok.

Fine we've all been unsuccessful in interviews, I get that, but in this instance given the yawning gap between what they required and my qualifications and abilities, with the later very much being in the more accomplished end of the scale, I took issue on a number of points.

Of course after a brief escalation it just gets farmed up to a level where Goliath looks at David and just goes. .."yeah? whatever, what you gonna do about it anyhow?"

Now I'm not really fussed. The job was there, it was a possible earner short term, I've not lost anything. Or so I thought.

It occurred to me that this has happened before. Military, Nurse, National retail competitor. All have made subjective decisions regarding me, and thus I find myself at this point in my life, very much on the "have not" side of the afluence and resource see/saw. Seemingly where I've been, what I've done and what I can do, being outweighed by other more nefarious consideration of "what I am"

Now, I'm not about to subscribe to the "woe is me" mantra and blame the world for where my life has arrived at this point. It MY life, thus it's mine to live, as are the consequence of any decisions. In life, action and reaction are ever present, and just because the reaction is perhaps "wrong" does not infer any fault on the action. It does however require one to learn. If you continue to take that action then one must expect a reaction similar to those that have gone before, and develop a way to deal with it. (Societal change is of course another response but that aint exactly a 5 minute job now is it?)

Of course, I'm alluding to the fact that all these circumstances occurred AFTER I came out to various people as trans. Interviewing as a trans person is ...interesting. Before that point I found doors opened, opportunities were presented, and to an extent I was taken at face value for what my resume and life experience indicated. After all, an eloquent white, middle class, male, former soldier is often a positive first impression.

However an eloquent white, middle class, formerly male soldier, not so much. So what am I to do?

Option one ... get angry at the world and curl up into a ball ..screaming you're all fuckers ...
Option two ... revert back to denying myself and fitting in with inherent risks of a depressive return to a very dark mental space
Option three ... Own that shit.... say ok, so you want me to re prove what I've already proven? ...fine its your funeral fuckers... accept it's gonna be a rough ride and roll with it.

Those of you who've read my trans centric posts may know already that I don't purport to understand all this trans stuff, just some of it. What I can say is that despite the slings and arrows of, shall we say,  "discriminatory" behaviour  I find myself smiling. Smiling on the walk back from the village shop cos the sky was burning orange at sunset, Smiling at the thought that for today at least, I can put the heating on. Enjoying a contented feeling as I listen to the rain outside and grinning at a soggy office cat as he comes back home most disgruntled at being soggy. All this despite the situation in which I find myself. Why is that?

Because I realised something after this latest rejection

I thought I'd lost my confidence. For a time the fear of rejection staying my hand in applying for other jobs that I know I can do. For a while i didnt apply for any after this incident. Then it hit me on that walk back from the shop, I still believe in me for I have something the detractors and nay sayers and discriminatory types don't.....

40 years of living as myself through some interesting times. They don't have that knowledge of who, what, and why I am where I am. They don't "know" me and thus the rejection is a reflection on their lack of insight rather than any meaningful reflection on myself as either a person or a professional. Not applying because they may not like what they see is the wrong mindset, trying to second guess them rather than confirming where I myself stand. So let them choose, for the choice is their's to make, nothing more or less than that.

Of course any sane individual will reflect on a process and learn from it. Honest reflection is a key skill in anyone purporting to be self aware. It is fair to say I am not blameless in my current circumstance, and on reflection it perhaps wasn't my best interview ever. But regardless, other's judgments of me are not my burden to bear. They are however rocks in the sea of trepidation through which we all sail. They must be navigated through, just like any other, so that we arrive where we intend. Curling up into a ball and letting go of the tiller will result in a shipwreck more surely than anything else.

But what of option two? cant you just "fit in"? Well the short answer is "been there done that" and it lead here....So no. I'm not gonna try and "fit in" I know innately because of my little smiles, and quiet contentment in life that this path is "a good thing". The old version of me, faced with the these challenges, would - and did - get very confrontational, a personality trait I was never fond of.  These days, even though I still have a temper (who doesn't?) I'm much more chilled out, & maybe a little wiser .. perhaps. This is a Good Thing.

Taking option three however does require something that is at times a little tricky to maintain in the face of such blatant "no platforming" of a frankly pretty decent skill set. Faith. I don't mean the kneeling chanting praying kind. I mean the kind of faith that lets you believe that somewhere behind all those rocks is a safe port. A place where you can again be all you can be, and where others see that for what it is. Faith that your direction is true, your professional compass calibrated, and that you will, if you remain #stubbornlyoptimistic, eventually find that which you seek.

So, my fellow Seafaring readers, be you Trans, black, Hispanic short tall, Male, Female, NB, LGB or Pirate, whatever "it" is that people judge in you, just navigate past that shit, for in the end rocks are worn down by the sea, and that results in safe, smooth waters for all.


Your faithfully...
;-)

The difference between Weeds and Grass.

Today I'm sat at my desk surrounded by candlelight. Its pitch black outside and the pasta is bubbling away on the stove for tea. The weather is pretty grim, with the remains of the latest storm blowing through the UK. All in all a cosy winters evening, with a roof, 4 walls, some heat and some food. Very much the metaphorical billionaire if ever there was one.

Like many people this week I've been watching. Watching the world come to terms with events, and a population come to terms with its choices.

Of course most eyes are pointed towards the Western horizon. What will the new president elect do? and what will the consequences be?

However. Rather than watch him, I've been paying attention to the reaction of those who both agree and disagree with some of the things that have been said over the past few months.

The most notable was the full page advert from the ACLU calling out the president elect and warning that if he try's to enact much of his rhetoric, they're gonna be waiting in the law courts.

ACLU twitter here...

Of course he has chosen rather less than liberal law makers for his new government, but that's really just what one would expect. Over here in the UK Brexit was assumed in some quarters to be a done deal with merely a signature and a rubber stamp required to seal its activation via article 50. However the rule of law and the weight of legal proceedings and precedent came to bear, and thus parliament must now debate the issue. 

Ironically therefore it is "the system" that may yet scupper the march of the right wing agenda, and other less savoury opinions of the human race, into a place of prominence and influence. It's been said that with a Trump America we now more than ever need a Corbyn UK. Or to put it another way, some left wing international politics to buffer the right wing leanings from across the pond. Balance. This would be a good thing perhaps?

Can we hope the media would be an ally in this effort for balance? offering a voice of reason and calm? objective discussion and observation? Here's something that popped up 

See the full video and a write up in the Independent 

Many people took issue with the lower third strap line as inappropriate. However I'd suggest it was wholly in keeping to highlight just how wildly idiotic some of these alt right types are. There's the argument that to give them air time gives them oxygen, for an example from history,  just look at the UK government's years of banning audio from interviews of Shinn Fien leader Jerry Adams. But theres also the simple fact that these hate groups breed on ignorance. Shining the bright light of mass media onto their idiocy and highlighting it as such, as the news anchor did, is the only way the these unsavoury ideas can be brought out into the light of comment decency to shrivel and die upon the alter of reasonable discussion.

The world of entertainment is arguably more influential than the news and main media outlets. We all follow people on twitter etc and thus there are some in that industy who are taking it upon themselves to register opinion on this argument. 

See Liams twitter here ....

World leaders too, they all had some very thinly coded messages for the present elect and those who would seek to roll back the clock to a more oppressive era. However France does have its own national backlash happening at the present. something I'm sure the EU is rightly worried about. 

I don't want to be a naysayer here, but its fairly obvious to see that should France eventually be under the rule of a nationalist government, whilst America pulls its horns in become somewhat isolationist as simultaneously the UK leaves the EU, then foreign policy depts across the globe have their work cut out. It could even be the end of the EU as we have known it for quite some years to come.

However its fair to say that there are other voices at work within these countries, organisations, media and entertainment. "The trump" was fond of using the slogan "drain the swamp". For my part I'd say we now need to "keep the conversation alive" about and with those who dwell at the lower regions of that and other swamps. To not do so is to court disaster, thereby allowing this pond life the status of underdog - and as we all know everyone loves an underdog. That is of course, until it bites. 

I started this "stubbornlyoptimistic" blog title more for personal reasons than anything else. Having lost my job, status, direction, income, influence and motivation, I merely felt it would be nice to have some vehicle for arranging my thoughts. Sharing with the world should it care to glance in my direction, the views of one person amongst many, one blade of grass in a vast field. It serves as a reminder that I will not give in to personal despair. However the more I look at current events and present day changes, the more I realise that an over all stubbornly optimistic approach is needed now more than ever. 

WE need to be that field of grass. One blade can accomplish little but a whole field can support an entire eco system. Every field will have weeds, but that's no reason to cultivate them. We do however need to expose them, "weed them out" and ultimately educate ourselves to produce a better yield from the boundless possibility our human race has to offer. 

So, for now lets keep making our feelings known. Show these "alt right" types that no, they ultimately don't have anything like a valid argument, and above all remain #stubbornlyoptimistic that in the end calmer, saner minds will prevail. 

".......there are other forces at work in this world besides the will of evil, and that is an encouraging thought...." 

Gandalf the Grey. 

On armistice day of all days. ....Sorry America

Ok.

So that happened.

It's taken me two whole days to form the thoughts needed to write this....Sorry America we've dropped the ball.

We now have the type of person chosen as president elect of the American nation that, frankly, were he not born into privilege, opportunity and wealth would be recognised for what he is. Namely a cretinous, misogynistic, self indulgent and narcissistic arse swipe of a human being.

We are familiar with politicians being flawed individuals. That is old hat. But this guy got elected on the strength of bragging about it. Let that sink in for a second. Thousands of ordinary people voted for a person, knowing that he wilfully and gleefully has broken - and will again break - the most basic rules of civilised behaviour.

There's a court case pending of the alleged rape of a then 13yr old girl, now grown. Multiple accounts of inappropriate and frankly disgusting comments towards women. The violent rape of his ex wife.... and other more business related stuff... Just. Digest that. For a moment.

13. Years. Old. Thats not just rape that is fucking near peadophylia for pity's sake!!!!

Now. laying aside the asinine policies of the individual in question for a second, just ask yourself how did we, the human race, get to a point so devoid of the common sense of logic and morality that someone of that character type could get within 100 yrs of the Whitehouse lawn, let alone, with all this as a known quantity, be given the keys to the Oval Office?

Apathy. thats how. The vast majority simply refused to believe it would actually happen, and did not treat the growing threat with the measure of concern it warranted. I count myself amongst that number. It wasn't until the night before that the truth dawned, and I knew he was gonna get in to power.

History will judge his election on many points. His right wing views, his policies and the undoing of all that progressive thinkers have attempted over the last two terms. 8 yrs of work.. gone .. in a single blow struck by the skillful manipulation of the disenfranchised and under informed,  even wilfully ignorant masses.

But that's like arguing which way the horse went after it bolted out the stable, without considering who left the door unbolted to begin with.

Humanity lost the fight long ago, when this creature was deemed worthy of even the merest thought of public office. Our standards have risen to new depths as we mine the rich vein of political capital that can be had from the thirst for change. Not real change of course. Perceived change. Mere shadows and dust, smoke and mirrors. The ever changing bright lights of big telly screens spouting the latest version of the truth that people want to hear. Facebook feeds become tuned to be a mirror of our tastes, reflecting back to ourselves that which we want to see. Government news agencies that cherry pick story after story, edit them and muddy the perception of truth ... and lets not mention the newspaper editors...I mean really?

What's really sad is the vast majority just don't care. As long as big brother, strictly come dancing and the NFL super bowl keep airing on prime time its all just fine and dandy.

Work, home, eat sleep repeat. live in the bubble of self sufficiency .. or at least the perception of it.

America has made a stupid decision, and one based on fear, misinformation and bigotry of that there is no doubt. Perhaps it is true to say Clinton would have been worse, as her husband wasn't great. But that's also a symptom of the issue here isn't it? Women get judged by those who'd vote for a bigot like trump. They get judged in part on their husbands actions & not their own. Wake the fuck up middle America, 1950 called and wants your theology back so they can update it.

Of course the whole issue is much more complex than simple sexism but you get the point. Voting is something of an impassioned activity. You have to care enough to put in the effort to vote. People on the ends of the political spectrum are often the ones that care most, will espouse their views the loudest and thus will be the first to the polls. Therefore if those of us who are more moderate don't bother....... well ultimately.... you get a "Trump like" bad smell in the Whitehouse.

But the story didn't begin with trump. Turkey has seen university lecturers - the educated and educators of society - arrested for disagreement with the government of the day.

Othering of European peoples in their own countries because they look different, or sound vaguely "foreign"... thats happening too and is a symptom of the very wave of opinion that trump has ridden to his current elevated position.

Many decry the likening of these event and systems to pre war Europe as fanciful talk. Safe in the knowledge that the world has "moved on', and that ww2 could "never happen again were all too smart for that"

Well Surprise wankers! look what y'all just did. The oh shit moment was written on many faces. Much like post Brexit. People actually said afterwards, "oh I didn't think it would cause us to leave.... well bugger me what did you think you were voting for?

So there we have it. The smell of America's big trump is gonna pervade it's noxious way around the globe. I only hope we can hold our breath collectively for the 4 yrs. its gonna take to flush the toilet. Cleaning and redecorating the bathroom however,  will take considerably longer.

The guy who's going out of office puts it rather well. He defines the central premise of #stubbornlyoptimistic in his speech on learning of the new president elect.

President Obama's speech, like those of a number of other world leaders on hearing the news, contained messages of unity, of respect. Themes of togetherness and co operation. All things woefully absent in the new president elect and his view of the world as it pertains to him. (I doubt he has a wider view, as I said, too much of a narcissist) 

So, when the dust settles from whatever is to befall us as species from this point onward. I have a proposal. Maybe if we wish to expect the best policies from our elected representatives and leaders, we should ask of them the basic principles of a decent human being first. If we wish to keep thinking people in office, and mitigate the dafter fringes of our species from causing harm, we need to care enough to vote.

Sure disagree on semantics like marriage rights, healthcare or what colour to paint a bathroom door. But healthy disagreement breeds reasonble discussion, discussion leads to decision and action. For this to work one has to assume both parties to be rational decent human beings with a certain respect for others and themselves. ...something this trump is very much isn't. Nor are some of those who support him.

And after whatever we said couldn't happen again is finished, don't leave the shouting and discussion to others. The reasonable human mind often baulks at confrontation. But if we do so collectively the less reasonable take our place. Those people are quicker to shout, to confront, blame and accuse. They are less adverse to breaking laws that shouldn't be broken so will happily break those that should be. (seeing no distinction between) and once the mob is sated and the rabble gone...what then ? 

Would we have made a difference? 

who knows... but by then it'll be too late and a new generation, our sons and daughters, and their kids, will have to pay the price for our collective apathy, lack of wisdom and sheer human stupidity. This world is a beautiful place. I pray this latest and gravest form of humanities' many and varied pollutions doesn't destroy it along with us. 

Today is the 11th of November. A day which those who have been in uniform having perhaps seen the very ugly realities and awful choices of warfare often spend in quite reflection. Oddly and somewhat paradoxically few soldiers who've seen it first hand actualy want war. 

As one who very much shares that view, I look towards America,  observing the things that have been allowed to happen, bringing them as a country to this very point in history.

I'm worried. Are you? 

Grown ups being children being grown ups being children.

Hey internet. Hows it going?

I am in a thoughtful and introspective mood today as I sit here a little after three in the afternoon. A wet somewhat dull Northeastern November day broods outside the windows, still deciding between whether to actually rain or just sulk in a misty kinda foreboding vibe.

Last night I was at our regular D&D game. Some readers may know I've recently gotten into the Dungeons and Dragons 5e games, playing as a result of joining long time friends who played, one of whom is the dungeon master.

For those of you not familiar with the game it basically boils down to each person having a written character on sheets of paper with a number of abilities, and as a group of people we meet the challenges set by the dungeon master, rolling dice and moving through a fantasy world very much like the one Frodo Baggins and Samwise Gamgee inhabit in Tolkien's Lord of the rings.

Now Role playing in a group is funny, as you may have a character with very different traits to you yourself.. loud/quiet/reserved/brash etc etc...so as you can imagine it makes for some funny and amusing interactions, and thus over all creates a communal story telling experience. Escapism if you will.

However. Social interaction between players can often begin to mirror the social interaction in game between characters, or vice verse. And so it was last night. In a nutshell my character was annoyed with another for doing something stupid and putting the whole party needlessly in harms way....(think Gandalf and Peregrine Took in the mines of moria....you'll get the idea...)

Fool of a took

The reaction of the other party to this event was not great, as the impending retaliation reaction was, to put it mildly, as stupidly self serving as their original action that caused the original incident. If you will it became a "pretend dick waving contest" and thus ensued a brief group wide argument though mercifully settled quickly by our party's senior character member and defacto leader.

So... It set me thinking. (what doesn't?) A bunch of grown adults are sat round playing fantasy games, "pretend" stuff. That then gets imbued with real world rules like "thought" "action 'and "emotion" With "consequence" as a result. Very matrix ish in that you then by virtue of the character having been created by real people, some of whom are very highly invested in their characters survival, get a blurring of real person verse character reactions. 

Add in a Human tendency to create character traits in game that we would like in ourselves, strength honour, bravery whatever, and you get a situation where in some cases the characters can do stuff that the real person would like to but can't. Be empathic for example, or stand down a bully, lead or challenge, all this sort of stuff. 

So much is made of the D&D role play and improvisation being a good thing for learning social skills, creating a team ethos and developing a critical thinking mindset. However in this case its been, through no fault of the game, a detrimental influence. 

In real life I am shy of many forms confrontation, always have been. I have been subjected to corporate bullying and a number of unpleasant real world scenarios. (yeah weird huh? a 6 foot former Military type & Former bloke being bullied pre and post social transition.. well yes that happened) It took quite a lot for me to allow the small piece of plastic on the table to act out exactly what I thought she might do. As a person I'm usually the peace maker of sorts. The huge wave of negativity as a result has not only ensured for the time being that the small plastic model doesn't use quite as many of its imaginary abilities in such a group friendly way, but it also dented my real world confidence, since it would appear I miss judged the other player, leading me to second guess my participation and enjoyment levels within the current game. 

Sure it's "just" bits of plastic on a table, its "Just" numbers on a paper But it's also hours of imagination, and pouring through books to find obscure rules. That little bit of plastic and those dice roles begin to mean quite a lot. But isn't that the point? after all if they didn't we wouldn't play would we? Just watch this video from critical role episode 62. At 2hrs:42mins where Laura Bailey playing Vex'halia gets quite irate about her broom...a flying broom that doesn't even exist! Soooo pent up in fact that her real life hubby Travis (bearded large chap top right) looks really really worried he's on the couch again... (apparently when he almost killed her imaginary bear that happened too...) 

So in an effort to try and bring my inane ramblings to a coherent point. We are all in some way the product of our characters, and them of us. The games we play and the things we "pretend" often bleed into our perceived reality.

For the philosophical mindset, where all creation takes place in the mind first before anything physical even gets done, one could say some of those characters are as real as any other that we watch on the big screen. Frodo and Sam, Luke Skywalker, Micheal knight, Luke an Bo, Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck, Merlin, or even Tyrian Lannister. Thinking about them and being invested in their story makes it so. 

So whatever you're playing, watching or doing, be it "real" or "imaginary" Remember the cardinal rule. 

"Don't be a Dick" 

You'll just piss off the DM, and thats reeeeeaally bad....

#Stubbornlyoptimistic