Chasing the bend whilst collecting pebbles.

Hi Internet,

So what's occurring the world of Sarah?

Well last week saw me start the first of two years training to be a teacher in the adult education sector.
So that's got my mind busy, and eyes focused on where I plan to go next professionally. It's slow, like all courses when they first start, with a bunch of admin stuff that needs be squared away but once we get going it should be fun.

I'm gonna be teaching .......(drum roll)... Human biology for access to HE. (with a side order of management to mix it up a little)

I've got the syllabus and it sounds cool. I'm looking forward to it, although i'm gonna have to get my head back in a few books so I can tell my Vas deferen's from my Vesicles again, cos its been a while since I delved in quite so formally.

So thaaaat's nice.

The new bike business stuff has started slowly via people who know me and also funnily enough many people cycle into where I'm gonna be studying so .. mebbe that'll help.

You tube and all the philosophical stuff has been a tad neglected as has this blog since "real world shit" kinda had my attention for these past few weeks.

Which brings me to the point of this update.

Tree's, woods and details

Sometimes we humans get lost in the detail of a situation. Constantly looking for meaning instead of letting things be as they are. For someone like me who unceasingly asks "why" that can occasionally take one to places that can get a little weird. It certainly has recently.

Particularly when attempting to understand another persons viewpoint, and why they hold it.

In wheel building there is a term called "chasing the bend" Once you get a wheel true and straight to a certain point where its ridable.. say within 0.1 of a mm, occasionally one can get stuck in the detail of chasing the bend beyond this point. Usually in an attempt to get it "perfect".

The bend really doesn't make any appreciable difference at this stage and were you to take the wheel out the jig and spin it by hand, the naked eye wouldn't even see it.

But... being so focused in on the process, so intent of the detail, one can occasionally pay more attention to things being "right" than whether the wheel will actually do what it needs to do.

So it is with life on occasion. The things we see, the things we wish for and strive to reach can be right there, in front of our nose, but we keep "chasing the bend".

Disease called More.

I watched a few videos from a guy called Wayne Dyer a few years back. Psychology type. A phrase he coined for this is being afflicted by a disease called "more"

Always wanting "more" leads to not appreciating what one has, and that points one's actions towards beleiving what "is" to be "not enough"

I did that alot in my former life. for a variety of reasons, some more valid than others.

On pondering all of that this morning whilst out on Jonny 5 (my trusty T130) I once again recalled the words of Bruce Lee. "water is shapeless, formless, it can crash or it can flow"

Water is a powerful thing, if given enough time. It'll carve great chasms out the earth and wear even the biggest stone to sand.

When under enough pressure it can even cut a wheel's surface to a "perfect" finish. Yet one cannot grasp water. One has to be slow, gentle and controlled to hold water in the palm of ones hand.

So perhaps it's time to stop "chasing the bend" The wheel is already good. Time to learn the patience of water, and the gentleness needed to be able to hold it.

To do otherwise risks destroying what 'is" when it's already more than enough.

Sand and Pebbles

I love the coast. Quiet beaches. I can spend ages sat quietly staring out to sea. Sadly I get massively sea sick so boats and me aint a good mix, but the vastness of that expanse of water is somehow engaging.

Constantly moving. Doing what it does. Shifting creatures, pebbles and sand alike.

My kitchen is full of little piles of interesting water sculpted rocks that my daughter and I have picked up during our visits to coasts and rivers. They look quite arty in a way...

But despite the ever growing collection, the beaches we visit haven't gotten any smaller. I'm sure there are many other kitchens with similar little piles. Piles that in and of themselves are just rocks. But each one holds a memory. Of a smile,  a chuckle, a joke, or even someone falling in the sea and getting far too wet.

It's not collecting the rocks or pebbles that makes these little piles of stone special. It's knowing why we did so.

But some pebbles have to be left on a beach. Sometimes the sea hasn't quite finished molding them. Without them there would be no place for the other pebbles to go, and maybe get found by some little girl doing cartwheels. Or anyone who collects pebbles for that matter.

Which is good. Because it means I can still occasionally visit, sit quietly and stare out at that vast sea.

There is always another wave behind the one that just crashed ashore.

And who knows what it brings with it. Maybe a pebble that wasn't quite ready might wash up twice.

I'll keep my eyes open. 

Staring back outta the mirror....

Hi Internet!

So regular followers of my scribbles with know that "Yours Truly" is a trans gender person. In my case someone assigned male at birth who is making something of a transitional journey towards her own intrinsic gender identity.

Recently a few things have occurred and I've had a few conversations with close friends that have lead me to sit here and type a few words once more on the subject.

Self definition. 

Much has been made of this term in regard to it's context when defining one's own gender identity. However tonight I found my self pondering its wider usage. How does one define oneself? By intent? words? actions? beliefs? looks? It's probably a messy mixture of all the above.

Back in my uniformed days there were 6 core values constantly impressed upon us.

• Selfless commitment
• Courage 
• Discipline
• Integrity
• Loyalty
• Respect for others

More recently I've indulged an interest in the Japanese culture. Bushido, loosely akin to the samurai code, lists 7 virtues.

• Integrity  (Gi)
• Respect  (Rei)
• Heroic Courage  (Yu)
• Honor  (Meiyo)
• Compassion  (Jin)
• Honesty and Sincerity  (Makato)
• Duty and Loyalty  (Chu)

It's not hard to see the similarities in both. However it is interesting to note that Honour and Compassion are absent from the first list.

Honor, or "Meiyo"  and "Jin" for Compassion are interesting. Since one can seek to embody these qualities both outwardly - directed at and projected into the world - but also inwardly, towards oneself.

Gender dysphoria and friends.

Mirrors can be awful things when in the grip of dysphoric feelings and perceptions, or indeed other forms of self doubt, dislike and dissatisfaction. That's when compassion for and of "the self" comes in very handy.

Part of an inscription that I have as my computer screen background reads:

"Through intense training and hard work

 they become quick and strong. they develop a power that must 

be used for good. They have compassion. 

They help their fellow man at every opportunity. 

If an opportunity does not arise they go out of their way to find one. 

"Warriors have only one judge of honour and character, 

and this is themselves. 

Decisions they make and how the decisions are carried out

 is a reflection of whom they truly are"

Underneath which is written...

You cannot hide from yourself. 

When I piled on the weight and sank into a depressive state back in the fall of 2016 I gave up on my honour. I hated being fat. I hated being unable do things. I also hated the damage that I was doing to myself.

So it was when I finally hit a point where I couldn't hide from myself any longer I got back out and ran.. well initially I waddled. then walked, then jogged, then jogged and walked, then shuffled and now... now I am almost running properly. 

I've been "almost running' alot, and have made in roads to getting back out on the bike, so the waistline is improving and the double chins reducing. Plus since I'm training with typically feminine levels of hormonal activity then my physical shape is slowly being honed into something that more closely resembles where my head has been for many many years.

I often quote socrates, so here is one of his:

“No man has the right to be an amateur in the matter of physical training. It is a shame for a man to grow old without seeing the beauty and strength of which his body is capable.”

But it took an act of self directed compassion to get me back out. I had to forgive myself for letting all that prior training go, and accept that I was gonna be embarrassingly slow. I had to decide to persevere. Not for the sake of the time i could put in "today" but for the time I would be able to put in 1 month, 2 months or now 3 months later.

Yet Meiyo isn't just about physical stuff. It is the way we approach every task, every thought every interaction with ourselves and our fellow humans. How does one judge oneself?

By the results and consequences of ones actions, words, thoughts and intentions, that's how

Time is wonderful teacher.... 

But how are we to learn consequence? We cannot know what is likely to occur without some experiential knowledge of what has been before, therefore we must learn by our mistakes, and grow from them.

There are alot of mistakes staring back at me from that mirror. A lot of failure that resides behind those eyeballs. And yet, as I consider Jin and Meiyo, one must have the "Yu" to willingly risk such failure, for to not do so is to live a half life.

The paradox here is that the potential for one's greatest success therefore resides within our past failures. Without them we cannot grow, learn or have any knowledge of consequence, and thus true self definition

So.. If you find yourself staring in the mirror and being drawn to the things you don't like, the memories you don't enjoy, or those thoughts you find painful. Practice a little self compassion, be gentle, and allow the time needed to discover how to learn from those past experiences.

Eventually you'll see that all those things you currently dislike were perhaps your greatest asset in building the person you are yet to become. It may not be a physical activity or weight issue. It might be educational, work related, or simply that you just don't like where you are in life, or how you arrived at this point. Wondering "what if I had done this or that differently"

Ultimately you are where you are in life. right here, right now. That is an effect, some of the causes of which stare outta that mirror. If some are mistakes, then Lucky you, look how much there is to learn from!

As a result you better believe you absolutely can define your own path from this point on.

So... where to now?

xSarahx

Boldly going where this blog hasn't gone before...

Hi all.

I haven't posted in a while cos I've been busy on the other blog and Cycle business website, plus sorting out the millions of jobs that randomly appear in a new workshop.

This post is gonna be quite short too.

It's just to let readers of these "stubbornly optimistic" blogs that there is now an accompanying Facebook group which you can find:

at this link 

I know some of you probably don't find these writing via Facebook, so I thought it would be handy to add in that platform.

I'll be posting in there stuff i find on the net, a few short comments and shorter reflections on life, cos lets face some of these blogs have gotten massively looooong over the years "chuckles"

Also i have decided to make use of my long dormant tumblr account so you can find the stubbornly optimistic tumblr pages

at this other link 

So thats it really. Theres gonna be a dedicated you tube channel soon since i am migrating much of the  "just Sarah" stuff across to a fresh channel with a new look to it and wider content planned for the coming winter.

Until then stay happy, smile lots and remember ... sometimes all ya gotta do is decide which box to tick...