I didn't really wanna write this but then....

Hi,

I really was in two minds as to whether to write something on this topic, since it's rather revealing and quite a personal statement.

Yet I felt compelled to do so for two reasons.

1) If I acquiesced to fear and social stigma as a blogger and shied away from some some topics I'd inevitably have to look at the ethics of that choice. That examination would I feel be unfavourable.

2) Keeping quiet doesn't help others in this situation, which is the whole point of the blog, so....

Loneliness. 

What does that word conjure up in the mind when you hear it?

Isolation? perhaps. fear? maybe. Sadness?. That depends I suppose.

You may well ask what started this train of thought? Well I woke up this morning from a dream that had left me with a sense of acceptance and belonging. Theres not much point recounting it, save to say it's obvious my brain was unpacking a whole bunch of stuff, and throwing it at me in the form of these regurgitated dream memories.

But as ever it's sometimes what one would like rather than what happened. So to cut to the point here, I woke up with a dawning realisation that these memories weren't actually true, my situation was as it was before and tbh that was a bit of a let down.

The inevitable outcome of that was the inherent loneliness of my situation hit home.

So aside from the fact that you now all know I'm a fruit loop, chatting about dreams and stuff, where does this put me, and why write about it?

Well because the feelings and thoughts in question revolve around being understood, accepted and finding that one person (or if you're into the poly thing a few) who "gets" all your weird, wonderfulness, and you theirs.

It is impossible to do as much introspection and thought swimming as I do without realising the potential contradictions of my situation as a trans person. The likelihood that for a whole host of complex reasons of interplay between society and individual, I may find such acceptance on that level difficult to find.

When society gives you constant, repetative messages that you don't fit the majority narrative, some of those messages will inevitable hit home. No amount of philosophical armour can stop every arrow. I imagine this is much like the slow dawning realisation for LGB people who are realising their own minds. They acknowledge a difference and thus the rules change & things, at least initially, seem ... more challenging.

It has been said that a "second marriage is a triumph of hope over experience". Of course this is a tongue in cheek cliche, but on a certain level its true. Perhaps though it is a triumph of the choice to believe in people over the knowledge gained from experience of (some of) them.

The Human social animal.

There's a contradiction here. Validation from external sources isn't all that healthy a premise. One needs to be sure of the relationship to ones self and be able seek internal validation. After all that's a core tenant of all mental health doctrine. Yet sometimes the balance is too far in one direction or the other.  To acknowledge and take ownership of the simple fact that one is lonely allows consideration of what to do about it.

Of course there's the rub. Friends are great, colleagues and shared interest's are awesome, having stuff to do and people to do it with is fantastic. So is having the resources to take advantage of those opportunities when they are offered.

But as for finding that wonderfully weird connection with a fellow human being who becomes all and more than any of those things...well ...

That's bit trickier.

But "tricky" does not mean impossible, nor even improbable. It just requires more focus, effort and attention, and a bit of "extra" faith in the nature of humans.

So, as I make my third cuppa of the morning and return to 4 hours of critical role, I remain stubbornly optimistic that one day life might just surprise me outta left field.

Maybe.