Throughout The week I've written part three of my Ethical mini series, but I can't post it yet cos I haven't written part two. In truth, part three wrote itself. I just kinda poured my thoughts into the keyboard and eh voila ... a blog article.
I then sat and watched a movie. Troy, with Brad Pitt playing the role of Achilles, Orlando bloom, and Eric Banna as his opposing Princes of Troy. Perhaps you've seen it? If not its worth look.
I took to it when it first came out, as it eloquently portrays the absurdity of the human condition, from greed & war, to love, desire, and immortality.
Indeed in it there is a line.. spoken by Achilles.
"We men are wretched things"
Very apt I thought.
I've only recently begun reading about philosophy in the academic sense, but it would seem I've always had a philosophical approach in many ways.
This week I've been looking after my daughter. A some times precocious 13 yr old with a good heart and steady head. She's developing an enquiring mind and still has that love of life imbued by her young years. It's a good start in many ways.
And yet......tomorrow we road trip back to her mums, 150 miles south of me, until the next school holidays or trip north. I find myself lamenting the distance. yet extraneous factors make it near impossible to remedy that presently.
Actually that's the hardest part of being "me". Living with the consequences of my actions, when viewing those consequences from the vantage point of their effect on others. I currently cannot provide for Rachel as I would like. I don't mean Mac books, and new phones or stuff from amazon although thats all very nice, and great in its own way. I mean by having a full fridge. By being able to replace her broken bed, and by being able to do those unseen planning things that lead to availability of university opportunities, or mean that college fees are no barrier to academic goals and endeavour.
Why is this so? Well because I'm not currently employed financially, despite a CV as long as your arm and, if I may say so myself, a pretty decent work ethic. Of course I'm not alone in this, but every rebuttal, every unanswered email or ignored enquiry. Every botched interview because when I walk in people make judgements, is a continued disadvantage not just to me, but to the future aspiration of a 13 yr old girl who, frankly, didn't ask for this shit.
Yeah , ok. I'm fed up. Ya got me. Guilty as charged.
But where does all this soul searching get me? If reflection has a purpose it's to learn and grow.. not to wallow and moan. So where's the lesson and opportunity in this?
To be honest its unclear.. You see, there comes point where the results of our action are outside our control. I can, and will continue to apply, create opportunity, talk to people and, in as much as possible, believe the best of people. But it's not in my power to hire me into a job. That power rests with others, thus my efforts seem fruitless and devoid of control of any outcome.
I'm sure many of you will have seen this graph from the work of a Dr Karasek et al,
Anyone who finds themselves in box D, with high Demands and low control of outcome is in for a rough ride. The study was done with reference to work based stress, however pretty much all those who are unemployed, and strive not to be, live in Box D permanently. 24 7. Its unpleasant after a protracted period.
So I guess the answer to my own internal questioning is actually a question. "How does one retake that control?" A few years back I rather belligerently said "if no fecker is gonna give me a job i'll bloody well create my own" Perhaps then self employment is the way. That's a hard road to travel and an even harder one to take to successful conclusion. Particularly when feeling beleaguered and distrustful of human nature. Self employment is an act of complete non cynical belief. A significant challenge for one such as myself at present.
Perhaps then it's time to widen the net. The north east is a pretty awful place for jobs, unless you're in specific industries. So why not look elsewhere?
I've a busy week coming up, with several long term projects coming to a close, and a few of those already mentioned opportunities to explore. Perhaps then it's the ideal time to reframe the question and ask not so much "what next?" as "where next?"
You remember that definition of insanity? Repeatedly doing the same thing whilst looking for different results?
Perhaps then it's time to change up the game. Not for my sake, but for that of a young woman's future.
And there's the lesson. It's not about me. I stopped being a priority early in the morning of the1st of October 2003, when I officially became "Dad" A title that I oddly still hold today despite the transition stuff, which is kinda an inside joke.
That moment, and all that goes with it, is hands down the best, and most scary outcome of life to date.
So, Where to next?
;-)
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