Rocks, water and waiting

So.

What to write today.

Well, to be honest theres not much to tell. But there is a whole heap of positivity heading to and from the SpokenSprocket HQ currently.  Serendipity and synchronicity are lending a hand to my endeavours of late. And as a result I am feeling grateful and compelled to write a few words.

With all that life has put in my path, and all that thus far has occurred in my 41yrs it's perhaps unsurprising that I am prone to moments of introspective reflection. Some of these are invariably more negative than others, but on the whole the balance usually ends up on the more positive and optimistic side. Because i choose it to be so.

Sometimes our plans do not go in the way we might wish. On occasion they may take longer to bear fruit, or may appear to fail utterly. But, the thing I have discovered during the last 3 weeks or so, is that even when this happens, and things don't go as you initially planned. Acting in a manner that assumes the end goal will still manifest often does often result in just that. The minute we resign ourselves to the impossible, we accept lasting and permanent failure.

So, if you have a dream, plan it. Act on it. Believe it is possible, accept no limits on possibility and it will be so.

"Everything built by the hand of mankind has been made twice. For it first must be imagined"

Post run pondering on life love an the universe.

Hello peeps,

First thing to say is that on this blog entries will owe more to my personal thoughts and life direction than to the bike industry, so if ya after bike talk then you might wanna skip over to The spoken Sprocket on blogger.  😀

It's currently 2359 on a Sunday night and after a 6 km run at somewhere around six pm I've been in a pretty positive frame of mind. I went running to put some distance between me and Fido, the black dog of depression that is ever my companion if I am unguarded of thought and emotion.

Recently as a result of my transitional gender status, I've received the gift of friendship from some awesome people, and gotten closer to a few older friends and acquaintances. Their kindness of spirit is a great boon in my life, for which I'm ever thankful. I've also been privileged to support a very dear friend through quite a rough patch. 

"Ah" I hear you ask, "So ok, why if that's the case and it's all good was Fido pawing at your leg? " 

Very good question. Sometimes an episode can be set off by specific things, events or situations. In other instances there's no discernible root cause. In my case this most recent wobble was brought about by some realisations after a lovely night out with friends. 

Many people who find themselves on the trans spectrum struggle with acceptance. Both of self and also from others. Whilst everyone was faultlessly lovely on the night out, I became aware afterwards that I wasn't. I'd been watching people in the bar, just observing the usual couples out for a night, young/old, new relationships and those who maybe had been together a wee while. The result was growing awareness of  subconscious jealousy of that which I and others like myself have to "fight" for, yet the vast majority seem to be effortlessly and unknowingly gifted with. Namely that of unquestioning acceptance of identity and your place in the the world. Plus a dawning realisation that frankly, I'm lonely. 

Now for some context. Throughout school I wasn't a popular or cool kid. Mostly I was the butt of jokes and the girls never looked the side I was on until much later in life. So unknowingly I'd developed a subconscious opinion when in group settings of "no ones really gonna be that much interested in me". Couple this with the understandable reaction from many when first introduced to a trans person, in that they initially need to recalibrate their internal world to "fit us into a box" within both that situation and society as a whole. I began to realise I may be "Single" for a very long time. 

Straight off I'm gonna say this isn't about sex. It's about finding someone to share hopes, dreams, fears and tears. To laugh about daft meaningless stuff and come up with silly schemes or great plans. To share in good news, or bad, and with whom you can form a mutual evenhanded support system for each other. I've had relationships and even been married. But for whatever reason that special person has thus far eluded me. 

This last bit hit me hard. I've devoted much of my life to helping others, it's kinda how I'm hard wired. Yet aside from the professionals, plus family and friends, who's picking up my broken pieces? The thing with being of a helper mentality or mindset, is that often we feel we cannot burden those whom we help with our own issues and thus carry much of them hidden away, unresolved, and fermenting nicely in the dark recesses of the mind until chance and circumstance bring them to the fore. 

So it was on this occasion. A small observation unleashed such a tide of negative emotion that I momentarily had to tread water as my feet came off the bottom. 

How does one resolve this? Well like everyone else, by getting out and meeting people. But hold on, as a trans type that's kinda a double edged sword. I feel a bit like the hulk in these situation. ( no dafty, not big green and angry..) Totally exposed, with no armour to fend off the bullets of vocabulary and the volleys of opinion should they be aimed or offered. This leads to fear. Fear of the exact social circumstance one needs to be in. Fear can only be overcome if there is a belief that the risk of facing it will result in positive outcomes. It is this belief that seems lacking in myself presently. Ironically being in that environment engenders feelings of sadness, which makes people less likely to want to chat. 

So next time you're out and maybe see a lone trans person nursing a drink at the bar or in a corner alone. Say hi, it may be just what they desperately need to hear, just to reassure them that yes life is on the whole a good one and somewhere in this infinite universe of possibilities there are people who may just "click" with them.

#stubbornlyoptimistic