Time, & reflection

Hi World.


Well after the week beginning on a dose of positivity, welcome to what is known as the hump of the week. Wednesday.

That's entirely coincidental of course, but this morning I woke up after having had a pretty awesome couple of days, and perhaps oddly I just wasn't feeling the love.

Why so?

It's an old habit from my years as a nurse. Reflection. During quiet times my mind wanders and I look back on significant points in life, whether recent or otherwise, and ask "could I have done that better?"

Invariably when ya get to middle age the answer is more often than not a resounding yes. After all one does not accumulate 42 years worth of experiences without having made some awesomely bad judgement calls. You'll know if you've read my other articles that I'm a fan of the writings of Plato, and the stories of Socrates.

"The unexamined life is not worth living"

The above is a quote allegedly by the latter. The inference being that one must learn from the  examination of ones own life, past present and potential future, in order to live from that point forward in a better manner than one has previously. 

Of course any reflection on any situation is both subjective and somewhat reactive. So it was today. In reflecting on the past 2 months of my life, and some significant ..... events ...... that have lead down some unexpected paths, I am brought once again to the realisation I am something of a walking contradiction. 

My somewhat detached observation of the human species and the philosophical thought process leads me to be a little misanthropic at times. Perhaps that's overly harsh, but its long been said I don't suffer fools gladly..  (I think the first time that was levelled at me as character trait I wasn't even in senior school)

Yet contrast that with the altruistic and caring nature that lead me to train in healthcare, and still to this day drives my wish to help my "fellow man", then one has quite the recipe for some internal conundrums. 

If one was also to sprinkle this odd pairing of character traits with a little burn out, some emotional shut down, social isolation plus just a pinch of vulnerabilities and insecurities - all of which are born of those experiences we are reflecting upon - then it becomes quite the heady brew at times. 

So having unpicked all of that by virtue of spending a few hours on the sofa in a mess of snot bubbles and tears (yes really) whilst staring into the inner reaches of my own head, one ultimately has to ask what now? 

Where is the lesson(s) here? After all each must find their own path, and knowing it and walking it are not the same thing. 

The first lesson would appear to be that the person who "doesn't suffer fools" has come to realise that they are one. Or at least I am as capable of being foolish as anyone else on the planet. Therefore I'm currently not my biggest fan. 

The second lesson is that self examination is not a painless endeavour...truth hurts. It hurts like hell. 

Thirdly, A realisation that I am here. I am around. Despite all my failures, faults, flippancy and faux par's over the years I am still standing. A little wiser and a little battered perhaps, but still stood. Sure I have a record of doing stupid shit, but I also have a record of recovering from it... 

".......and that is an encouraging thought"

                                            Gandalf.

So whilst today is the hump of the week, and I'm obliged to spend some time with my insecurities and fears, Thursday and Friday are approaching, and the sun continues to shine, albeit unseen behind every cloud. The lesson here is that nothing is ever permanent. Failure, like anything else, is only temporary. 

And perhaps also it serves as a reminder that "belief" is the maker of all things, for without it nothing would be viewed as possible, or even probable, and therefore every endeavour deemed pointless at the outset. My own experiences are cause for a belief that faith in myself and my abilities is well founded, since I'm not without success in life. However those same experiences are also cause to beleive that "people" are an unknown quantity at best. 

Yet "no man is an island", or if you like, there's only six degrees of Kevin Bacon. Those "unknown quantities" are the very thing one needs to put oneself in the path of in order to progress through life. 

All of which, ironically brings me back to a point that was the very reason I started these blogs many months back. Sometimes, being "stubbornly optimistic" is all you have left. But also, it's exactly what is needed.  

Just how you go about that though, well that's another matter... 

xSarahx