Disappointment, Loss and when Protections become Prisons.

Hi,

It's been an interesting few days. The usuals ups and downs of life, plus some unusual ones.

A friend came around the other day who works in law enforcement and they, like myself have an interest in some of the ethical conundrums of life, and how we go about defining the legalities of it.
We had great catch up and natter about all sorts of stuff and have arranged to get some bike time in soon.. we have a shared history job wise and its nice sometimes to just take in that camaraderie.

Thankfully after an extended winter hibernation I've managed to pull my head out my arse and do some physical training. which is partly the result of something I alluded to in my last blog entry.

Belief.

My friend reminded me that many people have a belief in me, although sometimes I have a hard time seeing it and sharing in it.

I write a lot about trans stuff. After all its my lived reality so I tend to experience it and thus know a fair bit about some of it. However much of the discourse, difficulty & dilemma from that bleeds over into other things & other areas of life too.

Trans people often face rejections, abuse, recriminations, judgment, etc etc.. you've heard it all before I'm sure. But not just trans people. Anyone can experience much the same for various reasons, the results of which is that they develop coping mechanisms, just like trans people. Withdrawal, suspicion, distance and public fronts, or walls. We obviously do this as a self protection to prevent further harm, be it emotional or otherwise. Some of these coping mechanisms are healthy in moderation, and some particularly if left unchecked are not.

Withdrawal was exactly what I did when I lost my job back in Sept.. it took a random occurrence to shake me from that winter reverie and kick start what is usually a much earlier process of getting out on the bike. Somewhere during that time I'd lost the belief that there was any worth in attempting to change my predicament for the better, since it appeared most major decisions in that regard were not under my direct control.

If others have faced abuse, rejection, accusation and recriminations then I suspect many will do likewise. However you spend too long withdrawn behind those walls at your own peril. The solitude becomes like a warm fuzzy comfort blanket, and a safety net all wrapped into one. It's a low risk environment, and thus feels safe.

But as anyone in business will tell you:

Low risk is low growth and if you're not growing you're effectively going backwards. 

We reach a point where those walls and barriers no longer protect us, they imprison us. They prevent us from being free to be all we can be and to give all we can give.

Like any prison, an escape requires both the will to try and the effort to succeed. The beginnings of that will reside in the belief that escape is possible, and therefore that an attempt is worth the effort.

For now it would seem with the help of others I've escaped my own self imposed prison.

Perhaps in time others will do similar, and if so, I'll be around.