I've had an unexpected turn of events this week, the result of which is I'm gonna be on a mammoth road trip in the latter half of the next. Me and Jonny 5 are going to spend a day at bike park wales.
Why does this always come up when I'm outta condition....?
Ok so lament over. Hey I'm fat, Winter hibernation lasted till May, which in anyone's language is almost June and thus 6 months into a 12 month year. I kinda woke up to this today when I was (re)organising an appointment for my daughter and the lady said , "1st of June?" at which point my brain went:
"But that's still ages awa......oooooohhhhh...er yeah ok.."
So that happened.
But the scary thing is that this road trip might grow into something that requires a move. A permanent one. In as much as anything is permanent.
Ok, so I've moved all over this darn country, and the days doing so were cool, I get the new and exciting kinda fresh pastures vibe. But this is different. This time I'm (potentially) moving as trans person. One of the most miss represented and miss understood groups within that thing our species loves to call society.
And also, incidentally, as a civilian, which means no cozy safety net of a large organisation. It's all on me. And "me" has little to no resources.
I don't mind telling you that this is seriously freaking me out right now. SOOOO many things could go wrong here, from discrimination, (which tbh I've yet to experience in any huge degree), to housing, healthcare, isolation, ....etc. You know, the whole nine yards...
Yet, it could also all go so right. It could.
Whatever the out come, the North East is - and shall remain - my home. To quote the words of a few recruiters, I have to wonder why my "very impressive CV" cannot illicit some form of regular paid income in the place where I grew up. I know these hills, valleys and forests. Frankly I don't want to leave...again.
But if that is where the winds of life take me, then who am I to set my sail against the prevailing weather?
Fear is an odd thing. I've never really been afraid of choice before. TBH I've never really been that bothered about many things that others might find quite terrifying. And yet....sometimes life changes you to a point where one is so afraid of failing that this becomes "too afraid to try". We become so wrapped up in the "what if's" that one forgets to look at the "can do's"
Fear leads, therefore, to stagnation, inactivity, and eventually if unchecked, paralysis of all decision, lest it be the wrong one. Thus I guess the short answer to all that is simply that "I have a confidence problem"
(My brain reading this: Feckng what? no shit sherlock...you been battered by tons of baggage over the years.. your confidence is shot bro' and you is working this out now? #facepalm)
So, tis a simple fix.
I just have to loose the fear, and believe 2 things.
1) It can go right.
2) If it goes tits up, well thats ok too.
Sounds like it really is time to live up to the title of this blog. It's time to really be:
Stubbornly Optimistic
I'll keep you all posted.
Sarah
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