What a busy week! Family stuff saw me buzzing unexpectedly down and back up the A1 a few times, and other stuff just keeps happening in life's usual random way.
It's those random things that I'm thinking of as I write this. For the usual mundane reasons of keeping a roof over my head etc I'm applying for various jobs whilst simultaneously completing my management diploma, and embarking on an NVQ assessors award. Being a few decades old, and having been and done a couple of things, plus holding a fistful of papers that detail my skill set, one would think that this isn't such a big issue. I'm not looking for rocket science jobs, just something that enables me to do the other stuff I've set myself as goals. The usual time/money equation.
So. I recently went for a job at a well known retailer. They deal in bikes amongst other things. Online process? check. Telephone interview? check. Store chat and interview? check.
"It'll take around 2 weeks for a decision so we will let you know"
24 hours later an email arrives in my inbox.
"Blah blah .....other candidates more closely match the skill set were looking for.....blah blah..."
Hmm. ok.
Fine we've all been unsuccessful in interviews, I get that, but in this instance given the yawning gap between what they required and my qualifications and abilities, with the later very much being in the more accomplished end of the scale, I took issue on a number of points.
Of course after a brief escalation it just gets farmed up to a level where Goliath looks at David and just goes. .."yeah? whatever, what you gonna do about it anyhow?"
Now I'm not really fussed. The job was there, it was a possible earner short term, I've not lost anything. Or so I thought.
It occurred to me that this has happened before. Military, Nurse, National retail competitor. All have made subjective decisions regarding me, and thus I find myself at this point in my life, very much on the "have not" side of the afluence and resource see/saw. Seemingly where I've been, what I've done and what I can do, being outweighed by other more nefarious consideration of "what I am"
Now, I'm not about to subscribe to the "woe is me" mantra and blame the world for where my life has arrived at this point. It MY life, thus it's mine to live, as are the consequence of any decisions. In life, action and reaction are ever present, and just because the reaction is perhaps "wrong" does not infer any fault on the action. It does however require one to learn. If you continue to take that action then one must expect a reaction similar to those that have gone before, and develop a way to deal with it. (Societal change is of course another response but that aint exactly a 5 minute job now is it?)
Of course, I'm alluding to the fact that all these circumstances occurred AFTER I came out to various people as trans. Interviewing as a trans person is ...interesting. Before that point I found doors opened, opportunities were presented, and to an extent I was taken at face value for what my resume and life experience indicated. After all, an eloquent white, middle class, male, former soldier is often a positive first impression.
However an eloquent white, middle class, formerly male soldier, not so much. So what am I to do?
Option one ... get angry at the world and curl up into a ball ..screaming you're all fuckers ...
Option two ... revert back to denying myself and fitting in with inherent risks of a depressive return to a very dark mental space
Option three ... Own that shit.... say ok, so you want me to re prove what I've already proven? ...fine its your funeral fuckers... accept it's gonna be a rough ride and roll with it.
Those of you who've read my trans centric posts may know already that I don't purport to understand all this trans stuff, just some of it. What I can say is that despite the slings and arrows of, shall we say, "discriminatory" behaviour I find myself smiling. Smiling on the walk back from the village shop cos the sky was burning orange at sunset, Smiling at the thought that for today at least, I can put the heating on. Enjoying a contented feeling as I listen to the rain outside and grinning at a soggy office cat as he comes back home most disgruntled at being soggy. All this despite the situation in which I find myself. Why is that?
Because I realised something after this latest rejection
I thought I'd lost my confidence. For a time the fear of rejection staying my hand in applying for other jobs that I know I can do. For a while i didnt apply for any after this incident. Then it hit me on that walk back from the shop, I still believe in me for I have something the detractors and nay sayers and discriminatory types don't.....
40 years of living as myself through some interesting times. They don't have that knowledge of who, what, and why I am where I am. They don't "know" me and thus the rejection is a reflection on their lack of insight rather than any meaningful reflection on myself as either a person or a professional. Not applying because they may not like what they see is the wrong mindset, trying to second guess them rather than confirming where I myself stand. So let them choose, for the choice is their's to make, nothing more or less than that.
Of course any sane individual will reflect on a process and learn from it. Honest reflection is a key skill in anyone purporting to be self aware. It is fair to say I am not blameless in my current circumstance, and on reflection it perhaps wasn't my best interview ever. But regardless, other's judgments of me are not my burden to bear. They are however rocks in the sea of trepidation through which we all sail. They must be navigated through, just like any other, so that we arrive where we intend. Curling up into a ball and letting go of the tiller will result in a shipwreck more surely than anything else.
But what of option two? cant you just "fit in"? Well the short answer is "been there done that" and it lead here....So no. I'm not gonna try and "fit in" I know innately because of my little smiles, and quiet contentment in life that this path is "a good thing". The old version of me, faced with the these challenges, would - and did - get very confrontational, a personality trait I was never fond of. These days, even though I still have a temper (who doesn't?) I'm much more chilled out, & maybe a little wiser .. perhaps. This is a Good Thing.
Taking option three however does require something that is at times a little tricky to maintain in the face of such blatant "no platforming" of a frankly pretty decent skill set. Faith. I don't mean the kneeling chanting praying kind. I mean the kind of faith that lets you believe that somewhere behind all those rocks is a safe port. A place where you can again be all you can be, and where others see that for what it is. Faith that your direction is true, your professional compass calibrated, and that you will, if you remain #stubbornlyoptimistic, eventually find that which you seek.
So, my fellow Seafaring readers, be you Trans, black, Hispanic short tall, Male, Female, NB, LGB or Pirate, whatever "it" is that people judge in you, just navigate past that shit, for in the end rocks are worn down by the sea, and that results in safe, smooth waters for all.
Your faithfully...
;-)
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