Staring back outta the mirror....

Hi Internet!

So regular followers of my scribbles with know that "Yours Truly" is a trans gender person. In my case someone assigned male at birth who is making something of a transitional journey towards her own intrinsic gender identity.

Recently a few things have occurred and I've had a few conversations with close friends that have lead me to sit here and type a few words once more on the subject.

Self definition. 

Much has been made of this term in regard to it's context when defining one's own gender identity. However tonight I found my self pondering its wider usage. How does one define oneself? By intent? words? actions? beliefs? looks? It's probably a messy mixture of all the above.

Back in my uniformed days there were 6 core values constantly impressed upon us.

• Selfless commitment
• Courage 
• Discipline
• Integrity
• Loyalty
• Respect for others

More recently I've indulged an interest in the Japanese culture. Bushido, loosely akin to the samurai code, lists 7 virtues.

• Integrity  (Gi)
• Respect  (Rei)
• Heroic Courage  (Yu)
• Honor  (Meiyo)
• Compassion  (Jin)
• Honesty and Sincerity  (Makato)
• Duty and Loyalty  (Chu)

It's not hard to see the similarities in both. However it is interesting to note that Honour and Compassion are absent from the first list.

Honor, or "Meiyo"  and "Jin" for Compassion are interesting. Since one can seek to embody these qualities both outwardly - directed at and projected into the world - but also inwardly, towards oneself.

Gender dysphoria and friends.

Mirrors can be awful things when in the grip of dysphoric feelings and perceptions, or indeed other forms of self doubt, dislike and dissatisfaction. That's when compassion for and of "the self" comes in very handy.

Part of an inscription that I have as my computer screen background reads:

"Through intense training and hard work

 they become quick and strong. they develop a power that must 

be used for good. They have compassion. 

They help their fellow man at every opportunity. 

If an opportunity does not arise they go out of their way to find one. 

"Warriors have only one judge of honour and character, 

and this is themselves. 

Decisions they make and how the decisions are carried out

 is a reflection of whom they truly are"

Underneath which is written...

You cannot hide from yourself. 

When I piled on the weight and sank into a depressive state back in the fall of 2016 I gave up on my honour. I hated being fat. I hated being unable do things. I also hated the damage that I was doing to myself.

So it was when I finally hit a point where I couldn't hide from myself any longer I got back out and ran.. well initially I waddled. then walked, then jogged, then jogged and walked, then shuffled and now... now I am almost running properly. 

I've been "almost running' alot, and have made in roads to getting back out on the bike, so the waistline is improving and the double chins reducing. Plus since I'm training with typically feminine levels of hormonal activity then my physical shape is slowly being honed into something that more closely resembles where my head has been for many many years.

I often quote socrates, so here is one of his:

“No man has the right to be an amateur in the matter of physical training. It is a shame for a man to grow old without seeing the beauty and strength of which his body is capable.”

But it took an act of self directed compassion to get me back out. I had to forgive myself for letting all that prior training go, and accept that I was gonna be embarrassingly slow. I had to decide to persevere. Not for the sake of the time i could put in "today" but for the time I would be able to put in 1 month, 2 months or now 3 months later.

Yet Meiyo isn't just about physical stuff. It is the way we approach every task, every thought every interaction with ourselves and our fellow humans. How does one judge oneself?

By the results and consequences of ones actions, words, thoughts and intentions, that's how

Time is wonderful teacher.... 

But how are we to learn consequence? We cannot know what is likely to occur without some experiential knowledge of what has been before, therefore we must learn by our mistakes, and grow from them.

There are alot of mistakes staring back at me from that mirror. A lot of failure that resides behind those eyeballs. And yet, as I consider Jin and Meiyo, one must have the "Yu" to willingly risk such failure, for to not do so is to live a half life.

The paradox here is that the potential for one's greatest success therefore resides within our past failures. Without them we cannot grow, learn or have any knowledge of consequence, and thus true self definition

So.. If you find yourself staring in the mirror and being drawn to the things you don't like, the memories you don't enjoy, or those thoughts you find painful. Practice a little self compassion, be gentle, and allow the time needed to discover how to learn from those past experiences.

Eventually you'll see that all those things you currently dislike were perhaps your greatest asset in building the person you are yet to become. It may not be a physical activity or weight issue. It might be educational, work related, or simply that you just don't like where you are in life, or how you arrived at this point. Wondering "what if I had done this or that differently"

Ultimately you are where you are in life. right here, right now. That is an effect, some of the causes of which stare outta that mirror. If some are mistakes, then Lucky you, look how much there is to learn from!

As a result you better believe you absolutely can define your own path from this point on.

So... where to now?

xSarahx