Depression and isolation - Ever decreasing circles.

I get up, bleary eyed and head to the bathroom. Work had been busy last night but I have a few days off. I've got plenty to do. The cars need to be ready for a club meeting in a few days and theres always jobs to do on them. I'm lucky, I've got two sports cars, a decent career and the world is pretty good on this sunny morning in Surrey. Its mid summer and hot as a hot thing. My wife and I decide to take our young daughter to local event, since it's just round the corner, on our estate. She runs around between the tents and big vehicles like any other 6 years old, we get ice creams, and and all in all life is good.

It's a nice memory and brings smile to my face, as I recall all the hopes and dreams of three people that were seemingly there for the taking that summer.

And yet.....

Seven years later that little girl is now 13, her mother and I are divorced, the career and cars are gone, as are some of the dreams.

So what went wrong? To answer that, lets fast forward to now, or more correctly 24 hours ago.

I had rough night last night. roiling, seething emotions conspiring keep me from sleep. My situation is so far removed from my former life as to almost unrecognisable. In the 7 years between that hot summer day in Surrey and today, so much has happened, be it good, bad be it, irrelevant, irreverent, or simply inelegant, that I don't quite know where to start.

Depression, Isolation and the big myth. 

What image does the word "depression" conjure in your mind? Who do you see when you visualise the typical persons who might "be depressed"? The World health organisations estimates 350 million people suffer with Depression. Or to to put it another way 5% of the worlds population. 

Of those people, the "reasons" for the depression will be as varied and as diverse as humans themselves. I recent re watched some of the works by one Stephen Fry, who likened depression to "the weather" It's something that for many "just happens", and there's a great truth in that. 

I do like Stephen, since he brings to bear and intellect and honesty that is compelling. He openly discusses that which once resided behind firmly closed doors, and completes the enquiry and thoughtful examination of the issues from a perspective routed in compassionate and ethical discourse. That is a rare thing these days. 

"The weather" is such a good analogy, since when it rains, its just raining. No point denying that its raining, and of course at some point it will stop raining, the sun once more returning. Depression therefore is simply like mental rain. Our own personal cloud. And of course, when it rains, one cannot but get wet. 

Of course for some its hurricane, and for others a gloomy grey and leaden sky. For still others it is like an ever present fog, or walking through treacle. All these metaphors have been used at various times to describe what "depressed" feels like.

A good friend of mine who knows first hand what the feeling is like sent me this picture the other day:

It's very apt, or at least it is for me. 

So much for what depression is, but how do we deal with it? Well there are a few ways, and if we use an analogy of something like asthma, not all methods will be appropriate for all people. 

Over the next few days, after the bank holiday as my own circumstances allow I'll expand on that and share a few things that have worked, and still work for me, plus other ideas and suggestions on the issue of mental health, self care etc. 

As for what went wrong?  It's simple. back when I began to realise there was an issue, I took too long "just dealing with it" and when I eventually sought help for what had become unmanageable that help was patchy, being in some areas great, and in others woefully lacking. 

Whilst one can never say what an outcome "might have been" and I suspect that some situations would not have resulted in different outcomes, perhaps it may have been wise to act sooner. 

We shall never know. 

Have a great bank holiday ;-) 

Laters! 

Frivolity, Choices, and Decisions

Hi,

Prologue:

I wrote this some weeks ago for the F word blog site. Recent family events in my personal life have lead to me deciding to post the article here. 

I changed my name almost 2 years ago now, and informed various people in and around my family of the decision to deal with my own experience of the trans gender phenomenon. This resulted in a a general use of feminine pronouns, obviously the decrease in use of my old details and some positive changes. 

Two years down the line, I have a good relationship with the majority of my family, my Daughter is more interested in Skype, Minecraft and an impending visit to insomnia in august than in what she suggests are rather obvious questions of gender. (Kids.. don't you just love em?) And rightly so. 

However:

There are those who would paint themselves as LGBT friendly via social media etc, yet still refuse to use my actual legal name. I have let this pas on many occasion up to this point, since my focus was often elsewhere, but things change. Now OK, mistakes happen in verbal conversation. But not in written. This wilful and frankly dishonest variance between public and private actions is damaging.

Damaging, but not as you might think, to me. Rather it is damaging to one about whom I care deeply, and who cares for me, via disparaging and dismissive remarks around trans gender and me specifically. Remarks that come to the ears of one who is by virtue of circumstance bound through family ties to both sides of the argument.  

As regular readers may know, I'm a philosophical sort, open to discussion, and aware that multiple opinions exist.  However when one hides behind the flag of inclusion, yet denigrates that which it stands for and the principles upon which it was envisaged, then one forfeits the privilege of being taken at face value in any discussion. 

Why? because one has shown a lack of integrity. So with that in mind there are limits to my patience, and understanding. 

So in a departure from my usual general comments i'll make an aimed and specific one. By all means disagree with me. But be aware, your opinion is not universal, and your decisions and actions in choosing how and when to voice it leave much to be desired. Like all of us, those decisions, and actions will have consequences. I suggest next time you're tempted to voice things of this nature, you are mindful of that fact. 

So, since it seems relevant to the point at hand, here is an edited version of the article from a few weeks ago: 

Is “Trans Gender” a frivolous endeavour?

Recently Fay Weldon added her opinion to the ever increasing morass of views on the “trans gender debate” Suggesting that trans women choose their direction in life based on frivolous judgments and a perception that life is easier as a woman.

Gender is currently a fiercely divisive topic, and not least on the point of whether there should even “be” a debate on the issue. The temptation and indeed reaction from the trans population to recent comments from Fay Weldon, Jenny Murray, Julie bindel, and Germain Greer plus others like them is often derision, scorn and shouts of “trans phobia” and “exclusionary” rhetoric. The recent spate of “no platforms” at universities is evidence of the spreading “moral outrage” at these challenging views being given a stage from which to state their case.

But let's step away from the “outrage” and “knee-jerk name-calling” for a minute.

Consider that the latter two in the above list are long time contributors to the debate on gender as a whole, of which trans is simply one part. Both are noted academics and thus are not unthinking people. Arguably the other proponents of their views are less academically lauded, but non the less Fay read psychology and economics at St Andrews, and Jenni Murray is a long time served reporter.

The common thread here is age. And experience of the historical feminist shift in societal view. To dismiss out of hand the opinions of the contributors and founders of those early discussions is in my opinion to invoke a mistaken kind of moral relativism.

Many many years before our current crop of thinkers were born, another walked the athenian streets. He spent his time there questioning, thinking and criticising. At his death he postulated:

“The unexamined life is not worth living”

This man was Socrates, arguably the founder of modern philosophy and critical thought. So for the proponents of trans gender legitimacy to cry foul and disengage from the debate on the basis that these things should not be examined because they are “too important” or “already known” is perhaps not only erroneous logic, but also counter productive, and a little arrogant. So with that in mind, I decided to explore the question “Is trans gender frivolous”? 

To answer that one really has to consider “why, and how, does one transition?

In researching this article I came across a video of Germain Greer on a discussion panel in 2016. In it she acknowledges that the older interpretations of human sexual biology are perhaps too simplistic, and that some of her former arguments no longer stack up to new evidentiary rebuttal. (She alluding to research and knowledge of the oft misquoted xx/xy chomosomal sex dichotomy)  However the interesting point for me, is that she then went on to say the following:

“…...The interesting thing to me is this, if you decide because you're uncomfortable in the masculine system, which turns boys into men often at great cost to themselves, if you're unhappy with that, it doesn't mean that you belong at the other end of the spectrum”

At this point the chair intercedes, and there follows some discussion with a follow up from Greer that one can't know “what the other sex is”

I find this engaging because if one takes the first statement it seems to make the case for the genetic legitimacy of the `none binary” phenomenon. A perhaps surprising viewpoint for one such as Greer.

though not an unwelcome one.

Many trans people however, do begin at this place of discomfort that she describes. The prevailing pro trans argument over the last few decades has been that this was evidence of “always” having been what society describes as a “man” or a “woman” in-spite of outward appearances. The following sentence might fly in the face of a pro trans argument, but it would not seem unreasonable to question this, and examine the logic behind it. 

One is not born 'man” or a “woman”. One is born a child with a genetic composition that leads to a certain set of developmental outcomes. In some individuals that is “classically female”, in others “classically male”. However there are a significant proportion of the population that have a combination of both. This phenomena is called “intersex”. Not inter-gender. And with good reason, for it specifically relates to developmental biological factors. "Gender" although synonymous with "sex" is not quite the same thing.

Thus consider someone who was assigned “male” at birth (AMAB) due to examination of outward physical appearance, and who subsequently transitions. It is fair to suppose that despite initial appearances to the contrary, their genetic or internal anatomical composition may not therefore be “classically male” in this sense. It could be hypothesised that this difference is the driver for the transition to occur. I'm alluding to anatomical brain studies here, and the simple idea that “intersex” may actually include people of a trans gender nature to a greater or lesser degree.

What does this mean? Well it means that a trans woman wasn't “always a woman” nor a trans man “always a man” Since that's an over simplification and ignores valid societal developmental influence. (nature and nurture) Also the terms “man” and “woman” really belong to the field of gender, not to the field of biological descriptors, thus to use them as such is in my view confusing and wrong.

What the intersex argument may actually mean is that they were always themselves and then at some point decided to do something about how they felt. The cause of the feelings being the anatomy and physiology described above. After which they remain themselves. Knowledge of biological factors is now suggestive of a male/female continuum rather than dichotomy, as professor Greer seemingly accepts, thus it opens the door for yet more discussion on this point. In my view that's a good thing.

Gender: the new schrodingers cat?

The second point of “knowing” is also very much a philosophical context. A point Professor Greer makes during the panel in question.

Professor Greer isn't actually wrong in her comments here. Philosophically we can only “know” ourselves and cannot know or experience the life of others as they do, for we are not them.

It is this single point that sits at the heart of all debates on gender, sex, biology, human behavioural biology and genetics. What we might broadly group together as “The questions of the human condition”

We humans only “know” our own lives. Indeed, for many years pre transition I repeatedly returned to this same question in my mind. “how do I know what I feel like, for I always feel like me?”

I'm one of those people that professor Greer cites often in her arguments. An early 40's transitioning individual who came to a realisation about their own lived experience a little later than some. Singular narratives are always slightly limited in scope and applicability, but I know for myself the reason(s) why I transitioned were not merely clothes, or because of a perception of life being easier etc as Fay weldon might suggest. It was a long long long process of introspection and questioning, of consequential thought and “what if's”. Consideration of family, friendships, physical and mental health to name but a few. It was also a decision taken in the knowledge that society deems it questionable, stigmatising people as a result. Suggesting therefore that such a decision is frivolous would seem to be both illogical and false. 

With her comment regards "knowing" however, Professor Greer misses the bullseye by a mere inch, since in stipulating that a trans person “cannot know” what the/an other gender(s) feels like, she purports to “know” something that she advocates cannot be known, namely a lived experience of a human other than herself. A better premise would be to advocate that others cannot know what a trans person knows or perhaps more accurately, feels. 

This then is the Schroedinger's cat analogy of gender. One cannot prove what is or isn't known to another person by what one knows about oneself. The questions of perceptions, their validity and causality, and of the horizon between mind and body have kept philosophers busy for centuries, dualists and physicalist arguing about to what degree our minds are the sum of our parts.

The simple truth is we “do not know” how trans people feel, or why they feel it, except for that which they can communicate in respect of those feelings. I only know my own experience, it is mine, no other person has it and I cannot have theirs. Thus the way to gain a better understanding of the trans phenomena as part of the human condition is for trans people and cis (non trans) people to engage in debate.

Indeed Julie bindel herself makes this point in an article way back in 2007. She was part of a panel debate which considered the necessity or otherwise of “gender confirmation surgeries”. The debate considered the argument that these surgeries are performed in great numbers in countries where being gay or lesbian in illegal, and thus are used as societal tools to render people as “heterosexual”. We of course know the conflation of gender and sexuality to be a false one, but that doesn't mean certain countries, in this case Iran, have stopped using it as a basis for their societal ends.

Why is this important and relevant? Because it opened the future debate into questioning “why?”. How do we in the western world justify these confirmation surgeries and are they being used effectively? By monitoring the results of interventions and looking at results. These justifications regarding the improvements to a persons life resulting from surgeries and the arguments for those surgeries being the most ethical medical treatment route (when compared to reversion therapy) are still valid today. If society didn't have the debate we wouldn't have gathered data and thus could not prove it to be so.

So, to return to the title and the question raised by Fay weldon. Is trans gender frivolous? We've looked at why people feel the need to transition, and how people might arrive at that point of decision and action, but often once that decision is made I'd admit there can be an outward air of frivolity, or to put it another way the flood gates open and the world suddenly seems fun after years of feeling confined by unseen forces. I'd liken it to a bull who has spent their entire life in captivity chained up in a pen unable to move, and is then set free into a field and paddock. Im sure you've all seen the video's on you tube or Facebook, they go a bit nuts for a while, then eventually calm down. “kid in a sweet shop syndrome”

This is of course a part of an individuals journey in life and their own lived experience, thus informing the overall debate on gender issues, but its not the whole story. The gender debate is part of our questioning of the human condition, both individually and societally. To once more quote the old man in the athenian marketplace as written by one of his students - Plato:

“Know thyself”

In striving to do so I believe one can obtain a greater understanding, though not knowledge of, others as result. For some people, Knowing themselves is a life's work, and includes an element of gender transition. That is in my view, and despite ascertains to the contrary, is a very very long way from a frivolous undertaking.

Sarah Ellis

 twitter: @cycle_sol

Epilogue

To "know ones self" is the essence of what we teach our future generations. By placing upon them the burden of our prejudices coupled with an expectation of a shared viewpoint, we stifle not only our own lives, but theirs too. 

Sometimes you just gotta call a spade a spade.

Hi,

Yup, in my case that spade is depression. I've kinda skirted round it over the last few days but I have to say there comes a point where euphemisms no longer cut it and you gotta deal with what is in fact staring you between the eyes.

S'funny though, what wth the anti testosterone stuff and the oestrogen I kinda had to wait it out and figure if the mood changes were just the usual highs and lows in that process or not.

How much thoughts and feeelings are parts of the physical me, and thus results of that narrative is an ever present question. But no, reaching just past noon on the fourth consecutive day of disinterest I would suggest there is more to this than chemical, yet depression is by its very definition a chemically derived imbalance.

But that's not really the case is it..? Thats just a mechanism for how it comes about. "Made of" rather than "is" The cause, in my case, is circumstantial, entirely deep and meaningful and yet simultaneously banal and shallow. I have no point, no purpose to life that I can find on a daily basis. I exist for sure but the reason for that is hidden from me.

Perhaps life is it's own ends and means, and we are mere cattle on the train to inevitable doom, no more meaningful than any other creature one could mention....

Seeking solitude but disliking ones own company, finding interaction with the world both intimidating and annoying, and having nothing to say yet wanting people to hear.. If that aint classic depressive manifestations i dunno what is.

I mentioned faith in my last blog. That's the core of it. I have little faith that people give a shit. By which I don't mean those who know "me" whom i would count as friends. I mean those who don't know and don't wish to, who would discard application or discount ability without a second's recourse to the consequence of that action.

Faith that people who do not know me, yet with whom i interact might actually see more than their preconceptions. As result of this lack of faith in others.. hope is lessened. you follow that to its logical conclusion and you end up at a point where you believe nothing you do will effect the outcome. So you don't bother.

It's erroneous logic of course...i'm sure Spock would concur,

But then the whole point here is that emotion isn't logical is it? And escape from this point requires everything that is lacking currently.

So, logically, I'm gonna try phase 1 of the kick my own ass program, "sleep". Since my heads a bag of spaghetti i'll give the brain every chance to re org and come back with its shit together.


laters.


Epilogue. The reboot went well. Click here to see what came of it...

I didn't really wanna write this but then....

Hi,

I really was in two minds as to whether to write something on this topic, since it's rather revealing and quite a personal statement.

Yet I felt compelled to do so for two reasons.

1) If I acquiesced to fear and social stigma as a blogger and shied away from some some topics I'd inevitably have to look at the ethics of that choice. That examination would I feel be unfavourable.

2) Keeping quiet doesn't help others in this situation, which is the whole point of the blog, so....

Loneliness. 

What does that word conjure up in the mind when you hear it?

Isolation? perhaps. fear? maybe. Sadness?. That depends I suppose.

You may well ask what started this train of thought? Well I woke up this morning from a dream that had left me with a sense of acceptance and belonging. Theres not much point recounting it, save to say it's obvious my brain was unpacking a whole bunch of stuff, and throwing it at me in the form of these regurgitated dream memories.

But as ever it's sometimes what one would like rather than what happened. So to cut to the point here, I woke up with a dawning realisation that these memories weren't actually true, my situation was as it was before and tbh that was a bit of a let down.

The inevitable outcome of that was the inherent loneliness of my situation hit home.

So aside from the fact that you now all know I'm a fruit loop, chatting about dreams and stuff, where does this put me, and why write about it?

Well because the feelings and thoughts in question revolve around being understood, accepted and finding that one person (or if you're into the poly thing a few) who "gets" all your weird, wonderfulness, and you theirs.

It is impossible to do as much introspection and thought swimming as I do without realising the potential contradictions of my situation as a trans person. The likelihood that for a whole host of complex reasons of interplay between society and individual, I may find such acceptance on that level difficult to find.

When society gives you constant, repetative messages that you don't fit the majority narrative, some of those messages will inevitable hit home. No amount of philosophical armour can stop every arrow. I imagine this is much like the slow dawning realisation for LGB people who are realising their own minds. They acknowledge a difference and thus the rules change & things, at least initially, seem ... more challenging.

It has been said that a "second marriage is a triumph of hope over experience". Of course this is a tongue in cheek cliche, but on a certain level its true. Perhaps though it is a triumph of the choice to believe in people over the knowledge gained from experience of (some of) them.

The Human social animal.

There's a contradiction here. Validation from external sources isn't all that healthy a premise. One needs to be sure of the relationship to ones self and be able seek internal validation. After all that's a core tenant of all mental health doctrine. Yet sometimes the balance is too far in one direction or the other.  To acknowledge and take ownership of the simple fact that one is lonely allows consideration of what to do about it.

Of course there's the rub. Friends are great, colleagues and shared interest's are awesome, having stuff to do and people to do it with is fantastic. So is having the resources to take advantage of those opportunities when they are offered.

But as for finding that wonderfully weird connection with a fellow human being who becomes all and more than any of those things...well ...

That's bit trickier.

But "tricky" does not mean impossible, nor even improbable. It just requires more focus, effort and attention, and a bit of "extra" faith in the nature of humans.

So, as I make my third cuppa of the morning and return to 4 hours of critical role, I remain stubbornly optimistic that one day life might just surprise me outta left field.

Maybe.

Emotional catharsis

Hello people of the world.

Throughout The week I've written part three of my Ethical mini series, but I can't post it yet cos I haven't written part two. In truth, part three wrote itself. I just kinda poured my thoughts into the keyboard and eh voila ... a blog article.

I then sat and watched a movie. Troy, with Brad Pitt playing the role of Achilles, Orlando bloom, and Eric Banna as his opposing Princes of Troy. Perhaps you've seen it? If not its worth look.

I took to it when it first came out, as it eloquently portrays the absurdity of the human condition, from greed & war, to love, desire, and immortality.

Indeed in it there is a line.. spoken by Achilles.

"We men are wretched things"

Very apt I thought. 

I've only recently begun reading about philosophy in the academic sense, but it would seem I've always had a philosophical approach in many ways. 

This week I've been looking after my daughter. A some times precocious 13 yr old with a good heart and steady head. She's developing an enquiring mind and still has that love of life imbued by her young years. It's a good start in many ways.

And yet......tomorrow we road trip back to her mums, 150 miles south of me, until the next school holidays or trip north. I find myself lamenting the distance. yet extraneous factors make it near impossible to remedy that presently.

Actually that's the hardest part of being "me". Living with the consequences of my actions, when viewing those consequences from the vantage point of their effect on others. I currently cannot provide for Rachel as I would like. I don't mean Mac books, and new phones or stuff from amazon although thats all very nice, and great in its own way. I mean by having a full fridge. By being able to replace her broken bed,  and by being able to do those unseen planning things that lead to availability of university opportunities, or mean that college fees are no barrier to academic goals and endeavour.

Why is this so? Well because I'm not currently employed financially, despite a CV as long as your arm and, if I may say so myself, a pretty decent work ethic. Of course I'm not alone in this, but every rebuttal, every unanswered email or ignored enquiry. Every botched interview because when I walk in people make judgements, is a continued disadvantage not just to me, but to the future aspiration of a 13 yr old girl who, frankly, didn't ask for this shit.

Yeah , ok. I'm fed up. Ya got me. Guilty as charged.

But where does all this soul searching get me? If reflection has a purpose it's to learn and grow.. not to wallow and moan. So where's the lesson and opportunity in this?

To be honest its unclear.. You see, there comes point where the results of our action are outside our control. I can, and will continue to apply, create opportunity, talk to people and, in as much as possible, believe the best of people. But it's not in my power to hire me into a job. That power rests with others, thus my efforts seem fruitless and devoid of control of any outcome.

I'm sure many of you will have seen this graph from the work of a Dr Karasek et al,

Anyone who finds themselves in box D, with high Demands and low control of outcome is in for a rough ride. The study was  done with reference to work based stress, however pretty much all those who are unemployed, and strive not to be, live in Box D permanently. 24 7. Its unpleasant after a protracted period.

So I guess the answer to my own internal questioning is actually a question. "How does one retake that control?" A few years back I rather belligerently said "if no fecker is gonna give me a job i'll bloody well create my own" Perhaps then self employment is the way. That's a hard road to travel and an even harder one to take to successful conclusion. Particularly when feeling beleaguered and distrustful of human nature. Self employment is an act of complete non cynical belief. A significant challenge for one such as myself at present.

Perhaps then it's time to widen the net. The north east is a pretty awful place for jobs, unless you're in specific industries. So why not look elsewhere?

I've a busy week coming up, with several long term projects coming to a close, and a few of those already mentioned opportunities to explore. Perhaps then it's the ideal time to reframe the question and ask not so much "what next?" as "where next?"

You remember that definition of insanity? Repeatedly doing the same thing whilst looking for different results?

Perhaps then it's time to change up the game. Not for my sake, but for that of a young woman's future.

And there's the lesson. It's not about me. I stopped being a priority early in the morning of the1st of October 2003, when I officially became "Dad" A title that I oddly still hold today despite the transition stuff, which is kinda an inside joke.

That moment, and all that goes with it, is hands down the best, and most scary outcome of life to date.

So, Where to next?

;-)

Dungeons, dragon, Witches and warlocks. D&D and the LGBT gamer.

Hi!

Recently I was invited to write a short piece for "Queerness" as it was their "Gaming Month". I was only too happy to oblige and you can see the original article article in the queerness here...

Of course those that know me are undoubtably aware I love to wax lyrical, occasionally getting  ..... er..a "little" long winded(?)

So the queerness article was somewhat abridged..and of course some the pictures I'd suggested weren't able to be used due to copywriter questions, thus I give you the long form unabridged stream of consciousness that is my thoughts on - at least one form of - LGBTQ+ inclusive gaming .... Enjoy!

I'm a 40 something Trans-Woman, who through various periods of life has been a video console, and PC gamer, with more recently a foray into table top gaming from the likes of fantasy flight and wizards of the coast.

Gaming is a great way to escape into whatever world we choose, it can be an incredibly immersive and refreshing way to plug into a story and "unplug" from reality for a while,particularly with the recent advent of VR systems.

However, occasionally the truth of our lived reality can bleed into games for better or worse. Many computer based games are "heavy" on the heterosexual male vibe for instance, with female characters often being very much a backstory element or drawn to resemble a cross between Jessica rabbit and Zena warrior princess.

This also occasionally bleeds over into real world attutudes, I'm sure many many female gamers can attest to accusations of "you only like it cos your boyfriend/brother does", or not being a "real" gamer. (whatever they are) And of course story line driven games often feature creative content that has romantic leads pretty much sticking to a heterosexual narrative.

So, for women, and for any LGBT gamer this can break the immersion from time to time, but things are beginning to change a little.

Perhaps driven partly by social change and partly by gamers feedback themselves, the scene initially began to change from 2000's with Buffy the vampire slayer characters like Willow, who was bisexual/lesbian, all the way up to current day where we have  large film company productions giving a nod via the star trek movie reboots with Captain Sulu and his husband, plus Overwatch from blizzard has been confirmed to have a number of heroes that are LBGT characters, notably "Tracer"

So film, pc and console wise, things are changing, but what of the table top scene? Overall there is a huge range of cooperative and/or strategy games now on the market, from "time stories" to "Xcom" to "dead of winter" and one of many star wars universe games,  "X wing" which has so many female pilots and main characters it's insanely good on the star wars "lore" angle. I've enjoyed playing them all. However over the last 18months I've gotten quite immersed in one particular  table top "computer free" game that many readers may know of.

"Dungeons and Dragons" is a pen, paper & dice based game thats been around since the mid seventies. A group of players choose races and class abilities for their characters who live in a magical world of witches, warlocks, goblins and elves, dwarves and dragonborn, amongst others. Like Bilbo Baggins in the "The hobbit" & "The Lord of the rings", they set off on magical mysterious adventures. These follow either a prewritten campaign book or a "home-brewed" adventure plot. Crucially this game is played as group with up to 5/6 others, with one player as the game master.  (known as GM or DM) The DM is effectively the judge/creator of the world and runs the game from behind a screen, serving up all sorts of stuff for the other players to deal with.

The rulesets have undergone various revisions over the years but the most recent is fifth edition, commonly abbreviated to 5e, all the rules for which are set out in the players handbook, published by wizards of the coast who license the game. In essence the players all role dice to determine success or failure of any actions their characters take and thus the story unfolds as a result.

The great thing about this game from an LGBT perspective is that within the races & classes you can play pretty much any thing you wish. Its a freeform gaming experience, very character driven and very much balanced between narrative and dice roll controlled combat encounters where the team battles other monsters and challenges thought up by the DM. (there are many other online resources and books for this) So you want be a Female eleven princess with a grudge? check! Fancy playing a great big Goliath warrior with a soft spot for Gnomes? check! How about a non binary all powerful dragon based creature? check! Or a singing bard with awfully good powers of persuasion and light fingers? check!

The game progresses on a systems of levels. New characters start at level one and as they gain in experience and strength in the world they level up, eventually hitting level 20 where you can battle such things as gods and titans and still come out on top...

Take me for instance, I have an elven princess, who is part Rogue class and part Monk. This makes her basically like Neo from the matrix (but with a much better hair style), and her back story is one of rebellion against her position in society. It's this back story that is so freeing in D&D, as you can do anything you like with it. However keep in mind that the more loose the threads of the backstory are, the easier you make it for the DM to have more leeway in building your character into a world, integrating things that pop up randomly which makes it more fun.

This all makes for some wonderfully hilarious moments as you all sit around the table telling this communal story, that non of you really have total control over. For example, a player might decide to open a door, for which they have to roll a skill check. That means rolling a 20 sided dice. The higher the number the more successful they are. Obviously a really strong character (meaning one that has a high number on their character sheet that they add to any "strength" roll) can still roll a 1 on the dice, meaning the DM as narrator then has to improvise on the spot and come up with a "spectacular" and often funny fail, for example, "as you go to push the door you trip over the foot of your axe and fall forward, your chin hitting the door with dull thud, and it slowly creaks open as you lay on the floor with a headache..." The rest of the characters then react to this and the story moves on....

If you'd like to see how the game is played I heartily recommend taking a look at some of the "GM tips" you tube series by long time gamer Matt Mercer. Matt, who has been DM'ing games for close to 20 yrs now, set up a game along with a few friends just for fun. They all happen to be voice over actors too, and for the last 18 months the game has been streamed online via twitch tv, with back episodes on youtube, the show is called "Critical role", and follows the fortunes of Vex, Vax, Percy, Grogg, Scanlan, Keylith and Tibs, a band of adventurers collectively called Vox Machina as they each complete their own story arcs within the wider world narrative. There is also the web series "Force grey" following a different band of adventurers but also DM'd by Matt, which is a slightly shorter format to watch and can give you the over all idea if you're new to the game.

On the subject of improvised funny character moments, here's one of the best from Matt that just occurred randomly in the game..."Vicktor the powder merchant" The party have gone unexpectedly to purchase black powder (gun powder) from a local merchant for Percy, ....meaning Matt had to create the character on the spot....enjoy!

Apart from all the tom foolery of the game itself the very nature of D&D's set up, i.e. being a collaborative role play based on diverse skill sets and traits is refreshing. The very ethos of the game is "Diversity, Difference and shared commonality of purpose". It's great to get family and kids into as it teaches them the value of team working to solve problems in a way school lessons perhaps never could, and also fosters an appreciation of the talents of others in their group. By having different races in a fantasy world the players are obliged to put themselves into the shoes of others, and view things from a different perspective. Often people who played D&D as kids cite this as formative in their relations with real world questions of race, diversity and difference. Matt in his games has created NPC (non player characters, like the loveable Victor) that are gay,  bisexual, and None binary. These characters just inhabit the world as part of it. Sometimes the LGBT issue comes up in narrative, sometimes it doesn't. It's just there. The world at large certainly could do with a heavy dose of that type of awareness these days.

To highlight this further, since critical role began as a show, the community that has grown up around the game (known affectionately as "critters") is massive. Many of the art works have been done by fans, and guess what? many are LGBT and/or have other challenges in life. Heres a small selection of the work that has been done..

 

So to sum up, D&D for me really celebrates diversity, has a low barber of entry and is incredibly flexible in what you wish to make it. It's also hugely fun. So grab a few mates, read the books, get the snacks in and in the words of old bilbo himself,

"...cant stop now! I'm going on an adventure!"



See you on the road!

Sarah

Welcome to the wistful wanderings of one simple soul through that most wondrous of things, the waking mind.

Hello!

Welcome to the wistful wanderings of one simple soul through that most wondrous of things, the waking mind.

Perhaps somewhat strangely for an author of a positivity and awareness blog I have been been persistently down of late. Life having a few, err we shall call them, "challenges" and.... "questions", the answers to which I am currently still in search of.

Pondering over my freshly brewed cup of tea, it brought me to this thought.

"Where does positive mindset start?" Where is the beginning of the end of negativity?

Who knows? Plainly not I,  for I as much as anyone still endure all the trappings of negativity.

Self doubt? yup.
Indecision? yup.
Fear? hell yeah.
Immobility of purpose? Oh baby, thats present and correct in spades...
Shame? ...yeah..but we never  mention that shit
Blame?....weeelllll? ...
Self destruct mode...damn you better believe it...

Bingo..there we have it ladies and gentle persons of all self defined races and classes of Human, Teifling, Orc or Elven kind. Be you Ranger or Rogue, Monk or Martial class, before we can access positivity one must address blame...or to give it another, less controversial name...responsibility for the self. (If you dunno what half of those things are are look up Dungeons and Dragons 5th editions...epic RPG game.. highly recommended)

We all make screw ups. some big, some small. Over the course of a life they will be many and varied. Blame, accusation and the guilt it brings forth are all traits that in many ways are self destructive. Even though to err is human and is one of the very things that defines us as a "self aware" species.

Responsibility for the self, and acceptance, embracing consequence and change all pretty much add up to the same thing, but the framework of emotion that these words are set within is very, very different.

Spend too much time in the contemplation of first set of words/emotions and one courts the possibility of going down a route of self recrimination, and dislike. Since one accepts one has arrived at this point in life through ones own actions and interactions with the world at large, one must also accept that those mistakes and miss steps, if avoided, could have led us to a very different place at this point in that same life. If you're in a period of difficulty as a result of those actions and mistakes, that then makes it a very very bitter pill to swallow. Add in a sprinkle of loss (be it privilege, wealth or persons) and eh voila a potion of self recrimination and loathing fit for any one of a self deprecating or even mildly modest mindset( and very probably an 8D10+10 at that)

“All men make mistakes, but a good man yields when he knows his course is wrong, and repairs the evil. The only crime is pride.” 
― Sophocles, Antigone

However reframing all that into a mindset of "shit that went south, ok I buggered that up...whats my next move" is the key point here. You either get stuck in the potion of self loathing, or decide to accept you screwed up big time, take it as an "unplanned learning experience" and file it under the chapter heading "not doing that shit again" In your as yet unwritten autobiography. 

"What's my next move?" predisposes the one asking the question to believe there is a next move, to assume there is a direction and a possible progression even if its not necessarily along pre planned lines. 

“Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life.” 
― J.K. Rowling

So where does negativity end? It probably doesn't. So where does Positivity start? Wherever you choose it to do so, and then decide in which direction it may suggest you go.

Its a well known principle of business. look up any successful entrepreneur or business owner. There will be failed businesses in that persons past, without question. They succeed through always, always, always asking .."whats my next move?" because they always believe there is one.

“Failure is only the opportunity more intelligently to begin again.” 
― Henry Ford

Until the next Adventure...stay #stubbornlyoptimistic

That Trans thing Part 2...The physical and psychological

Hello, and welcome to a Sunny Saturday morning in the North east of England. A few doors down the lawns are being cut, and the sky is a clear blue with no clouds, the recent major thunder and lightning storm having cleared the air somewhat.

I'm sat at my desk a little like a modern day Bilbo Baggins, wondering where to begin then the idea struck me....So with apologies  to J.R.R Tolkien ..

"Concerning Trans...."

Today I thought I'd revisit a subject I wrote about last week, that of me being a Trans gendered person, what that all kinda means and where it all fits, or doesn't, in the wider picture of the big bad world.

For those that missed the first bit...you can find it Here

All caught up? Ok.. so admittedly it was a loooong lunch...(days would be a stretch even for a Politician) So onto the next aspects of what it is to "Be Trans" in my view, which is of course open to as much question, analysis and disagreement as is anyone's on the planet.

So we've covered some of the terminology and the sociological challenges of trans, but what of the physical, psychological and legal stuff? I'm going to look at the first two of these together as to try and separate one from the other in terms of their explanations is potentially confusing.


Physical/Psychological

Every human has a physical presence. Our bodies are our own, we walk this earth with them and inside them and generally pay them little heed save the usual things of "does this hurt, or do i need food" on a daily basis. "Activities of daily living" if you will.

But what "are" bodies? we humans like to believe through multiple methods of expression we call spirituality or religion that we are more than the sum of our parts. Is this the case? Or are we simply that of which we are made?

The physicality of our being could be described as something akin to a vehicle. It's that which carries the "soul" "essence" or "chi" ..our life force inside it and thus allows us to move around the world. Our essence is not however indefinitely tied to our physical being, since when we die the body physically remains... (unless you're lucky enough to be Yoda and live until you're 900....) however the essence  of "the person" has left.

So what are we?

This of course is an almost unanswerable question. Almost. We are self aware beings. That is, we have a concept of self, and with it imagination. learning, memory.  I quite like the concept that Dr Wayne Dyer used in one of  his lectures.

"Human beings are not physical beings having a spiritual experience. Rather they're spiritual beings having a human experience" 

Now, a belief in God, a specific religion or even an intelligent power of creation is not absolutely necessary for this to make some level of sense. As I've mentioned we all die. the body remains yet our essence doesn't. Therefore what makes us "live" and what defines "life" cannot be wholly physical.

Or is it?

"Ok Sarah.. so what on earth has this got to do with Trans stuff....??"

Fair enough. Trans theory, as it is broadly understood today has a few underpinning concepts. (Note I'm not going to go into the morality of each as that would be a bit wordy and an off topic 'mission creep" If you guys are interested in some thoughts on that let me know i'll do a piece on it later..??)

Gender and sex are not the same thing.
Gender can be thought of as a sociological construct.
Gender presentation as a societal construct is inherently fluid, and does not imbue "trans" on a person. (i.e its not about the clothes)
Physicality/anatomy can explain some elements of the trans phenomenon.
Biology of sex and chromosomal mapping of "gender" as a result is as yet not fully understood. (we thought we had it down but perhaps not, as it's bound by years of sociological or cultural baggage), there being more than the XY or XX sex genome.

What we actually have underneath all this "concept stuff" is a cause/effect argument. Similar in its eternal presence to the nature/nurture argument.

Trans people "feel" different to Cis people specifically in regards to their "gender". The questions therefore are "why?" and what is "feeling" anyways?

As to why, some may say: "Because they're nuts..  if you're walking round in a body that has male anatomy then you're a male"

Are we? or are we just walking round in that body? We were all once walking round in a 2yr old body...then 3,4 12, 16 ...22..80, 90...all of which are different. An old woman was once a young girl. Same spirit walking round in different bodies. "Ageing"as a concept and agent of change is well established in society, and is not questioned.

Scientifically we know a little about developmental changes in the womb, the complex and ever changing hormonal and biochemical soup that is the creation of another human being has incalculable levels of complexity. The randomness of these gives rise to many things. Twins for example. Some are identical, resulting from the separation of one fertilisation process into two developing embryo. Some are not, which in mixed race couples can give rise to a double implantation pregnancy resulting in two babies of different skin colour to the same parents. Some babies have black hair some blue eyes, some even have one eye a different colour to the other. Some result in "downs syndrome", or maybe lack of something like a limb, or eyes or differences in the internal organs, Dextrocardia for example where the heart and in some cases all internal organs are on the opposite side to what is more commonly seen.

Notice I have not said that any of these are "abnormal" or "defects". To do so would infer a preference on each outcome. Society does that. It ascribes somewhat arbitrary values to certain in utero changes being desirable or otherwise. Recently a woman in America gave birth to a healthy baby girl. The baby had black skin, a genetically generated trait from her parentage, and was otherwise healthy. A happy occurrence yes? Not so, as this was a IVF baby and the mother was a white middle american woman. She specifically requested from the IVF clinic a white baby. What she got was a perfectly healthy human being and society defined that babies colour as a pathology or "fault" thus abnormal due to the nature of its conception. (Theres a whole heap of other sociological unpicking in this morality tale but lets leave that for another time)

So my point is changes in utero happen. There is no morality in biochemical interaction and the cellular division that occurs. There is only replication, growth and evolution. It just happens.

Now to bring it back to trans stuff. What we know of development in utero regards genetic or anatomical sex is that the most common outcome is a person with one complete set of reproductive organs, of one particular type. Known broadly as male or female anatomy. What we are also now beginning to see are that there are concurrent related (?) developments that aren't so outwardly obvious in terms of the brain's development.

Consider Androgen insensitivity syndrome. Androgen for those that don't know is the method by which it is thought a foetus develops what we know of as a traditional male anatomy.

A brief explanation of AIS

Triggered by the chromosomal genetical material broadly understood at this time to be XY for male, Androgens when released result in the further development of the male anatomy. If the Androgen does not have any effect or is reduced/absent then we get variations from the "complete set of reproductive organs"  and see outcomes such as a person who is entirely visually female in anatomy with internal male testes and XY chromosomes. The salient point is those variations are in themselves variable, with mild AIS being a possible outcome, some people being perceived as male and others not. etc.

(ya might wanna get a cuppa and re read that .. its a bit heavy if  you're not familiar with all the biological stuff.)

Soooo.... consider the brain. The physicality that is most linked to that thing we call our "chi" or "soul" The physical link between "who we are" and "what we are made of"

There's been interesting work done recently that has opened the door to brain anatomy being affected in a similar way along the path of a developing baby

Study on trans brains

Dr Robert Sapolsky gave a few lectures in 2015. Here's a clip ..

The full lectures are available on youtube, and if you want to follow Dr Robert, I heartily recommend a look up. 

So what am I trying to say here? Well in essence theres some scientifically sound evidentiary stuff coming forward that seems to indicate that anatomical development of the body does not always follow a set male/female dichotomy, and that the development of the brain and brain chemistry is subject to this in a similar way to the rest of our physical body. It presents an explanation in the physical sense for "how" trans people come to be here. 

That brings us to the second question....(yeah remember that?..twas a while ago) 

What is "feeling" 

Depression is currently understood to be resulting from chemical imbalance and interactions in the brain chemistry. Similarly with elation, sadness, love, attraction etc. All of which points to us humans being more "animal" than we care to admit on occasion, and subject to the same rules of evolutionary response that we seem as a species to fondly believe we are separated from.

"Feeling" is very different to "thinking" Thinking you are something you're not is cause for alarm and can be rightly treated as a delusional mindset. "feeling" as defined in the terms above and specifically  regarding brain chemistry is entirely different.

We get to choose our thoughts, which with practice, patience and application plus self awareness and strength of mind are great tools as we pass through this world. "Feelings" however are trickier little blighters. How many of you have fallen in love with someone you shouldn't have? Or felt anger/fear/excitement at the "wrong" time? Exactly.

Note I don't say "Belief" either. Belief is a thought borne of a feeling, or an unconscious mindset from years of social conditioning and an information source imbued with a perceived authority. (Just look at how many young kids support the same football team as their parent, or decide they don't like the dentist, black people, gays, exercise or tuna on on the same basis. )

Why do I make the distinction between feeling, belief and thought? Simple. For the longest time I myself refused to entertain the thought that I may be trans. My belief systems didn't allow for that outcome. I do however have an insatiably curious mind and I like to learn, to ask questions and figure stuff out. In doing so I discovered that I deconstructed much of my own arguments and thus had to change my own world view, both internally and externally.  It took a wee while. 41 yrs to date and its still a work in progress but we are getting there. (wherever that is)

So I choose to change my world view in light of the new evidence, scientific, anecdotal, moral and emotional that I was presented with, and I chose to act on these feelings that I'd had for a very long time.

Physical changes are "relatively" simple to access, via endocrinological changes that will then alter my biochemistry, with results both visible and hidden. Psychological changes in mood etc may result, self image will change and to an extent i'll have to relearn how to interact with larger society with a different set of rules. Not those of a woman, since I have different life experience as alluded to in my last blog being a mid life transitonee. No, rather the rules for a trans person.

Those rules are still being figured out. Science may well give us the "how we get here" and go some way to explaining the method of our creation, but gives us little guidance on what we do with that info. What we do about it as a species, as groups, or individuals is down to us, our morals and societal values, thoughts and beliefs.

Thankfully being a self aware species we recognise often that the "chimp" to use  Dr Steve peters analogy, is a bad influence and the "human'  should be in control. Self restraint, sociological boundaries and self preservation serve to keep us all broadly moving in the same direction, that of progress for the good of all. (yeah I know we regularly stuff it  up.. go figure..) Are we at the mercy of our biochemistry or are we spiritual beings experiencing our biochemistry and living through it?

Choice. Thorny one that...

Trans people may not choose their anatomy and resultant physicality that leads them to be trans. But they choose how to deal with it, and in many cases that is irrevocablly linked to how society chooses to perceive both them and their choice of action or inaction. This scene in the matrix spoke to me years ago, therefore I was not surprised in the slightest to learn of Lana Wachowski's transition in recent years. Some people are wed to a system in which trans does not fit. Some people are not. some trans choose to act, some do not. We may be at the mercy of our biochemistry in some ways but choice is rather ironically the best hope we have for societal growth and the very reason its still needs to grow. 

We don't yet have all the answers, and that's perhaps a good thing. Sometimes it's ok to work towards an unseen unpredicted outcome, as our friend Neo did. Looking for the third option. The one it was said "didn't exist".

So are we the sum of our parts? Depends on how you feel and what you choose to believe when you think about it.

until next time, when we look at the legal stuff...

Stay #stubbornlyoptimistic

Sarah...