Created as a spin off of the older Spoken Sprocket Cycling blogs that I've written, Stubbornly Optimistic is all about life, philosophy and positivity in the face of our everyday challenges. The intent is to kindle thought, discussion and exploration of ideas through my own musings and those of yourselves, the readers. Have any feedback? hit the twitter link and let me know!
Recently my work is taking me into a space that is truly between the ears. As the podcast audience, readers of this blog and my website will know I examine the "things that make people tick" and to some degree help them keep time with the world.
This has taken me toward the works of Erving Goffman and Anthony Giddens. Sociological analogies of performance and narrative in creating the internal (and projecting the external) views of self.
But I've been compelled to jot down these few Scribbles not because of that, but something slightly different.
It's odd how one can find oneself at times almost inexplicably drawn to certain people. Perhaps this is mere illusion born of the retrospective lens, but it does seem when I sit back and consider where this journey of self discovery has taken me, and the questions it has posited, that life has somehow managed to ensure that those with answers to those questions cross my path.
Perhaps this supposed coincidence is an act of wilful creation, since often one only "see's" what one is looking for, but I am not entirely convinced by that argument since one can look and still never find.
It is tempting at times like these to look for a theological answer... people point to "God" working in mysterious ways" or "ancestors having put in a good word with the big guy" etc.
Perhaps, But I prefer a more secular thought path. I recently coined the term "Optimisticality" to explain what it is that I "do". Optimisticality, I would say is "The art of being stubbornly optimistic"
Of seeing the oak inside the acorn.
But it is more than that. There are, at time of writing three "O" s that are central to my philosophy of optimisticality.
Optimism?
Sure... that's there. In the roots. Without planting yourself in the soil of "possible" you won't grow. .
Optimisation.
The trunk. The process and routines by which we build resilience and strength, raising the branches out to a height and spread where they can reach...
Opportunities.
Which will present themselves regardless of whether your branches reach or not.
So, water your tree (or acorn) regularly with belief and curiosity, build a strong trunk. And maybe when opportunity presents itself, your branches might just reach far enough to enable you to grasp it. Allowing leaves to sprout and the tree to grow yet stronger.
If so, you'll marvel that "luck" brought you into contact with those opportunity. But really was it luck?
Well hello... a long time since I last posted any metaphorical musings in here isn't it?
In fact if you look it up, as I just did, you might be blown away by the shear coincidence that it is exactly 365 days. The last post being Sept the 11th 2017.
Wow. serendipity and synchronicity playing their parts I guess. Freaky how the mind works, since that was entirely NOT planned I promise.
(I'm discounting the youtube video for project back in black since that was more link than a post)
So Hi! I'm 356 days older than I was, and now it's 3 years to the date since I had what people might call a "proper job" Since that point I've been building this self employment gig after my last job ended in 2016.
What drove me to post up on here after all this time? Well a few things but before we get to that lets give you guys a background on what I've been doing since that time.
I took up running! and got really slim, and probably close to being in the best shape of my life.
My daughter asked to move in with me, which was and is AWESOME!
Then another young relative has also moved in for an open ended period of time, also AWESOME!
My left knee decided it doesn't much like running any more so now I am awaiting physio on that and am switching to swimming as my endurance sport of choice.
Recently I've sold the bike, since I cant make use of it any more to any appreciable level due to knee pain
I have discovered through a long term friend a guy called Tim Ferriss. and as a result am embarking on a study of Stoicism.
I started and completed the first year of teacher training, building confidence and technique in front of a class, and have as of yesterday deferred the second year until 2019.
The business has morphed a little, and continues to evolve along with it's owner.
No I didn't manage to get the car back, yet.
I reconnected with few old army buddies and some of the wounds of the past are beginning to heal.
So what of now?
Well I've started a podcast. a few weeks back we launched the optimisticality channel on anchor where myself, friends colleagues and mentors all chat over what it means to motivate ones self and others to greater and better things. We look at how that is achieved personally, professionally, individually and societally.
Theres a website too, with accompanying blog posts that lives here at "Optimisticality.works"
I've discovered green tea with honey... really rather refreshing if one doesn't want to overload with caffeine throughout the day.
We continue to have galactic battles in those far far away places on the x wing table and our D&D game is strong with my two main characters being up at level 13 and 14 respectively.
(For those not up on this story I play a rogue elven princess and a large blue dragon born - you can find our adventures on the obsidian portal here)
Actually phill and I completed an epic battle with the huge x wing ships recently and we filmed some of it with audio so that may well surface at some point too.. particularly ahead of the x wing 2.0 re release of the game.
As I write this little update here I can't help but remember a quote from T.S Elliot which I used many times before
"We shall not cease from exploration, and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time"
So it is with Stubbornly Optimistic. I have returned to this blog with a new found knowledge of the founding principles of the affirmation that got me through some very dark times, and no doubt will continue to do so in the days, weeks, months and years ahead.
It seems fitting therefore to close this little update with a quote from Seneca himself:
Keep it real people, and remember:
"change the way you look at things, and the things you look at change"
Well last week saw me start the first of two years training to be a teacher in the adult education sector.
So that's got my mind busy, and eyes focused on where I plan to go next professionally. It's slow, like all courses when they first start, with a bunch of admin stuff that needs be squared away but once we get going it should be fun.
I'm gonna be teaching .......(drum roll)... Human biology for access to HE. (with a side order of management to mix it up a little)
I've got the syllabus and it sounds cool. I'm looking forward to it, although i'm gonna have to get my head back in a few books so I can tell my Vas deferen's from my Vesicles again, cos its been a while since I delved in quite so formally.
So thaaaat's nice.
The new bike business stuff has started slowly via people who know me and also funnily enough many people cycle into where I'm gonna be studying so .. mebbe that'll help.
You tube and all the philosophical stuff has been a tad neglected as has this blog since "real world shit" kinda had my attention for these past few weeks.
Which brings me to the point of this update.
Tree's, woods and details
Sometimes we humans get lost in the detail of a situation. Constantly looking for meaning instead of letting things be as they are. For someone like me who unceasingly asks "why" that can occasionally take one to places that can get a little weird. It certainly has recently.
Particularly when attempting to understand another persons viewpoint, and why they hold it.
In wheel building there is a term called "chasing the bend" Once you get a wheel true and straight to a certain point where its ridable.. say within 0.1 of a mm, occasionally one can get stuck in the detail of chasing the bend beyond this point. Usually in an attempt to get it "perfect".
The bend really doesn't make any appreciable difference at this stage and were you to take the wheel out the jig and spin it by hand, the naked eye wouldn't even see it.
But... being so focused in on the process, so intent of the detail, one can occasionally pay more attention to things being "right" than whether the wheel will actually do what it needs to do.
So it is with life on occasion. The things we see, the things we wish for and strive to reach can be right there, in front of our nose, but we keep "chasing the bend".
Disease called More.
I watched a few videos from a guy called Wayne Dyer a few years back. Psychology type. A phrase he coined for this is being afflicted by a disease called "more"
Always wanting "more" leads to not appreciating what one has, and that points one's actions towards beleiving what "is" to be "not enough"
I did that alot in my former life. for a variety of reasons, some more valid than others.
On pondering all of that this morning whilst out on Jonny 5 (my trusty T130) I once again recalled the words of Bruce Lee. "water is shapeless, formless, it can crash or it can flow"
Water is a powerful thing, if given enough time. It'll carve great chasms out the earth and wear even the biggest stone to sand.
When under enough pressure it can even cut a wheel's surface to a "perfect" finish. Yet one cannot grasp water. One has to be slow, gentle and controlled to hold water in the palm of ones hand.
So perhaps it's time to stop "chasing the bend" The wheel is already good. Time to learn the patience of water, and the gentleness needed to be able to hold it.
To do otherwise risks destroying what 'is" when it's already more than enough.
Sand and Pebbles
I love the coast. Quiet beaches. I can spend ages sat quietly staring out to sea. Sadly I get massively sea sick so boats and me aint a good mix, but the vastness of that expanse of water is somehow engaging.
Constantly moving. Doing what it does. Shifting creatures, pebbles and sand alike.
My kitchen is full of little piles of interesting water sculpted rocks that my daughter and I have picked up during our visits to coasts and rivers. They look quite arty in a way...
But despite the ever growing collection, the beaches we visit haven't gotten any smaller. I'm sure there are many other kitchens with similar little piles. Piles that in and of themselves are just rocks. But each one holds a memory. Of a smile, a chuckle, a joke, or even someone falling in the sea and getting far too wet.
It's not collecting the rocks or pebbles that makes these little piles of stone special. It's knowing why we did so.
But some pebbles have to be left on a beach. Sometimes the sea hasn't quite finished molding them. Without them there would be no place for the other pebbles to go, and maybe get found by some little girl doing cartwheels. Or anyone who collects pebbles for that matter.
Which is good. Because it means I can still occasionally visit, sit quietly and stare out at that vast sea.
There is always another wave behind the one that just crashed ashore.
And who knows what it brings with it. Maybe a pebble that wasn't quite ready might wash up twice.
So regular followers of my scribbles with know that "Yours Truly" is a trans gender person. In my case someone assigned male at birth who is making something of a transitional journey towards her own intrinsic gender identity.
Recently a few things have occurred and I've had a few conversations with close friends that have lead me to sit here and type a few words once more on the subject.
Self definition.
Much has been made of this term in regard to it's context when defining one's own gender identity. However tonight I found my self pondering its wider usage. How does one define oneself? By intent? words? actions? beliefs? looks? It's probably a messy mixture of all the above.
Back in my uniformed days there were 6 core values constantly impressed upon us.
Selfless commitment
Courage
Discipline
Integrity
Loyalty
Respect for others
More recently I've indulged an interest in the Japanese culture. Bushido, loosely akin to the samurai code, lists 7 virtues.
Integrity (Gi)
Respect (Rei)
Heroic Courage (Yu)
Honor (Meiyo)
Compassion (Jin)
Honesty and Sincerity (Makato)
Duty and Loyalty (Chu)
It's not hard to see the similarities in both. However it is interesting to note that Honour and Compassion are absent from the first list.
Honor, or "Meiyo" and "Jin" for Compassion are interesting. Since one can seek to embody these qualities both outwardly - directed at and projected into the world - but also inwardly, towards oneself.
Gender dysphoria and friends.
Mirrors can be awful things when in the grip of dysphoric feelings and perceptions, or indeed other forms of self doubt, dislike and dissatisfaction. That's when compassion for and of "the self" comes in very handy.
Part of an inscription that I have as my computer screen background reads:
"Through intense training and hard work
they become quick and strong. they develop a power that must
be used for good. They have compassion.
They help their fellow man at every opportunity.
If an opportunity does not arise they go out of their way to find one.
"Warriors have only one judge of honour and character,
and this is themselves.
Decisions they make and how the decisions are carried out
is a reflection of whom they truly are"
Underneath which is written...
You cannot hide from yourself.
When I piled on the weight and sank into a depressive state back in the fall of 2016 I gave up on my honour. I hated being fat. I hated being unable do things. I also hated the damage that I was doing to myself.
So it was when I finally hit a point where I couldn't hide from myself any longer I got back out and ran.. well initially I waddled. then walked, then jogged, then jogged and walked, then shuffled and now... now I am almost running properly.
I've been "almost running' alot, and have made in roads to getting back out on the bike, so the waistline is improving and the double chins reducing. Plus since I'm training with typically feminine levels of hormonal activity then my physical shape is slowly being honed into something that more closely resembles where my head has been for many many years.
I often quote socrates, so here is one of his:
“No man has the right to be an amateur in the matter of physical training. It is a shame for a man to grow old without seeing the beauty and strength of which his body is capable.”
But it took an act of self directed compassion to get me back out. I had to forgive myself for letting all that prior training go, and accept that I was gonna be embarrassingly slow. I had to decide to persevere. Not for the sake of the time i could put in "today" but for the time I would be able to put in 1 month, 2 months or now 3 months later.
Yet Meiyo isn't just about physical stuff. It is the way we approach every task, every thought every interaction with ourselves and our fellow humans. How does one judge oneself?
By the results and consequences of ones actions, words, thoughts and intentions, that's how
Time is wonderful teacher....
But how are we to learn consequence? We cannot know what is likely to occur without some experiential knowledge of what has been before, therefore we must learn by our mistakes, and grow from them.
There are alot of mistakes staring back at me from that mirror. A lot of failure that resides behind those eyeballs. And yet, as I consider Jin and Meiyo, one must have the "Yu" to willingly risk such failure, for to not do so is to live a half life.
The paradox here is that the potential for one's greatest success therefore resides within our past failures. Without them we cannot grow, learn or have any knowledge of consequence, and thus true self definition
So.. If you find yourself staring in the mirror and being drawn to the things you don't like, the memories you don't enjoy, or those thoughts you find painful. Practice a little self compassion, be gentle, and allow the time needed to discover how to learn from those past experiences.
Eventually you'll see that all those things you currently dislike were perhaps your greatest asset in building the person you are yet to become. It may not be a physical activity or weight issue. It might be educational, work related, or simply that you just don't like where you are in life, or how you arrived at this point. Wondering "what if I had done this or that differently"
Ultimately you are where you are in life. right here, right now. That is an effect, some of the causes of which stare outta that mirror. If some are mistakes, then Lucky you, look how much there is to learn from!
As a result you better believe you absolutely can define your own path from this point on.
It's been a while since I did a more personal blog, rather than a conceptual one, So I thought I'd give you an update on a few things that have been occurring.
I graduated! I've spent the last year doing a chartered management course at local college, and I passed, so here a pic of me and my mate celebrating.
Next is a teaching qualification.. slated to start sept the 11th. Really looking forward to that, since it'll tie up a few loose ends with the assessing qual that I am still not quite done with, and also be dead interesting.
I'm back running again ... after a really really low winter. Low mood, low energy and just low everything. I would be riding but the bike's are outta commission and I've had to push funds in other directions. It's odd that i've ran more KM's this year than i've ridden. Thats not happened in a while.
Which brings me to my next point. Plans. They say no plan survives first contact with either the enemy or reality, and so it is with my plans for a workshop. They have been delayed, sidelined retracted and re jigged soooo many times its like groundhog day on permanent repeat... that shit gets boring.
No.. Really. It does.
An old teacher of mine said "life happens while you plan other things" and it's stuck with me through life. Yet if you fail to plan you plan to fail. In this case the workshop is FINALLY happening.
Funds were in place, and the thing is ordered... a nice big multi purpose space that once done should see SnS take on a bit more of a proper footing and increase my ability to "make shit happen" I've no pictures yet but I plan to document the whole comedic process here and on You tube so you can all have a chuckle at my expense.
And finally - the transition stuff.
After a while you tend to forget about the passage of time and just get on with the other stuff in life. yet at my last sit down chat with the specialist Doc he said that i've passed a couple of time line based miles stones and so am eligible for some legal documentation and also more medical opinion stuff.
Yup, two years since name change and one year on meds. It's like the old adage of overnight success: instant, yet thirty years in the making.
So I'm off up to Scotland next week for that 2nd opinion.. a very kind friend who knows her way round having visited before is doing the driving, so that's kinda cool...
Heck the way things are going I may even end up with a contract soon! now wouldn't that be a thing!
Be the change you want in your life. Be that friend you want to have. Be life, Be love,Be you.
So, given I'd been thinking about that stuff a while, a conversation I've had recently popped back into my head, or specifically comment from it.
"...Ok, so you're a trans woman, but in your previous life you acted like a man and you're (still) interested in bloke stuff..."
It's a fair point. I like motors, a tuned V8 will make me weaker at the knees than most things in life, (and if its an RB series straight six.. I'm putty in ya hands.. ) I like geeky gamer shit, guitars, loud music, riding bikes, fixing bikes, and messing around with spanners and fire pits.
But under it all was this issue of gender dysphoria. I'm not a particularly "camp" individual...(although I was once accused of being so, but that's a story for a another day) So where does it all the "bloke shit" fit in? and more to the point where does it all manifest from?
Cause, effect?
Well. Growing up I really didn't have much of a handle on gender stuff, however I was a curious kid blessed with some intellect of sorts. "Dad how does that work" "Mum what does this do?" "but Miss what does that mean?" were comments often heard from me...I'm sure I drove people nuts. I read lots, lapped up the stories of CS lewis, Timothy Zahn, and more factual historical books on things like the falklands war etc with equal abandon.
I just got on with the business of being me, and of having an interest in the world around me. The old man was a truck mechanic, so it follows i might pick that up, yet mum's a gardening type and I can't grow anything...
Perhaps societal expectations and assumptions might play a little here... "Son spends time with Dad in garage" is a well known and well worn outcome of a father son relationship after all. But I wasn't pushed into it. And I remember - indeed I'm often reminded by - my daughter of when she did the same.."daddy what does that bit do?" whilst pointing at the fan in the sports car's engine bay...
For a teenaged girl she probably knows more than the average kid about what happens under the bonnet of a motor... why? because she was curious.. and her Daddy made it cool..and took time to teach her stuff, just like mine did. Mum often says to me: If I'm interested in a subject it gets 110%...if not.. 0% So it's extremely unlikely that young me was coerced into something as part of any gender profiling kinda deal.
There's evidence out there from the like of Simone de Beauvior about the performative elements of human gender, which may be at issue here. Yet performative implies perception on the part of the viewer, thus in the act of "doing" a meaning is ascribed to the doing of an action by the viewer not just the performer.
Consider that if a natal female had similar or identical interests to me, then they would not be viewed as "a man". More likely they would be viewed as a woman with atypical interests when one looks at the stereotypical models of gender behaviours. Similarly a natal male into "Girly stuff"
So the interests and activities argument alone doesn't stack up to disprove, or indeed prove, a trans gender identity, but in this case that wasn't the intention of the original comment. It came from (or at least i think it did) a place of wanting to understand the process of forming identity....
How do we humans form our identities?
It's been said that "you", your personality and learned behaviours etc are the sum total of the five most influential people in your life. Usually those you spend the most time with.
Because I was perceived as a boy, I spent most of my time with boys, and my family, who again perceived me as a boy. Girls wouldn't look the side I was on cos boys were yucky, and geeky awkward boys with glasses and zero charisma were just icky... so .. yup .. pretty much a girl free environment.
There were certain lessons that I learnt from the authority figures in my life at that point that I now no longer believe are true. Yet back then, because they came from a place of perceived authority I took those lessons on board.. believing that they must be right simply because of my faith in where they had come from.
As we grow, our social circle and sphere of influence increases and we learn stuff, some of which is contradictory to prior information, from other sources. We form our own opinions & beliefs and as a result we become independent, thinking, adult humans beings....yeah scary shit huh?
Yeah yeah I hear ya say...but opinion doesn't equal identity...so what is it?
Well ok, opinion isn't identity, but it sure is part of it. How we think, how we perceive the world and our place in it is a huge deal as far as our self awareness and sense of self goes. Knowledge is the key to unlocking those mental doors that in some people remain resolutely closed for life. Curiosity is the means by which we turn that key and open ourselves up to a world of unknown behind the door. Fear on the other hand is the one thing that can stay our hand at the point of turning...
For me, knowledge and context of the jigsaw puzzle pieces that just didn't quite "fit" came during the first year of nurse training.
Once I'd lost the fear, or perhaps over came it, or maybe my curiosity was greater than the fear, I'm not sure even to this day, which one occured but once that happened I turned the key. What ultimately came through that door was ironically enough more "knowledge". Knowledge of the possibility and plausibility of something that I had both discounted and left unexamined for decades, based on an erroneous assumption that it wasn't possible. Why not? because of everything that is in the first 7 or so paragraphs of this piece.
The line in the title of this piece comes from Star Wars: The phantom menace. Qui Gone Jin says to a young Anakin Skywalker:
Always remember: your focus determines your reality...
Now, ok it precedes what many think is the worst line in the franchise, but it speaks of an essential truth. How many times have athletes use creative visualisation? Belief in the possible and a concerted and defined effort to strive toward that goal.
Once I knew where I was, and what I had. (gender dysphoria) I had to decide what to do about that knowledge. Where to place my focus and thus my reality.
As a result my focus moved - in time - from being about outward things, acquisitions and the distractions of life to keep me entertained and busy. I'd spent so many years just putting on film after film in that cinema of perception that I spoke of in my last blog, that I never noticed the seats, the lights, the screen or the "inside of my head" as it were.
My focus shifted, for once, onto me. For the first time i started to pay serious attention to my internal world. And whilst my interests and collection of films on that cinema screen didn't change, and probably won't... I'll be less restricted in the adding of new ones, since I've now changed the reel from 8mm Cinefilm, to an 8k Imax, and can see a damn sight more of "the world" as a result.
Right I reckon that's enough deep and meaningful stuff for one day... time to put a film on... But which one.... hmmm
It's all part of the plan... unless you step off the script...
Till next time.. keep smiling, do what you do and just let life take care of the rest...
It's been a while since I managed to get my nose back into Nigel Warburtons book, all about The basics of philosophy.
I had a spare quiet sunny afternoon (or at least I think I did ) so I made a cuppa, and sat down to go through the next chapter, one I have been looking forward to for some time.
Appearance, Reality and Perception.
How do we know something is real? How do we know it is not? How do we know what reality IS?
How do we know things? How do we know we know?
I know it's Saturday afternoon, and I'm sat at my desk and typing this article. I also know that if I move my chair will squeak.
I know it's Saturday because I checked the calendar. I know I'm sat here because my brain tells me through all my senses that I'm doing so, and I know that my chair will squeak because I've experienced it doing so and remember that fact.
Or do I? what I actually have in all three cases are perceptions. How many times have you thought it was Saturday only to realise it wasn't.. and you've looked at the information wrongly? My brain could well be dreaming that I'm sat here.. and thus my perceptions of my activity is skewed. Plus, we all "know" memory isn't infallible...
So is "reality" simply a set of electrical signals, current or historical, interpreted by the brain?
Philosophers frame these arguments under a number of headings.
Common sense realism
In essence the simplest and most often seen "lay persons" interpretation of perception. Things exist and we see them as they are, as a result of their existence. An objects existence does not depend on its being observed, thus if a tree falls in the woods and no one observes it fall, then the tree both exists and falls.
Representative realism
This is an extension of the common sense position whereby it takes into account the idea that what we "see" is merely a representation of the object, not the object itself. For example a stick in water that appears bent but isn't, or a hot road appearing to shimmer when in fact it isn't moving. This also takes into account differences in the viewers. For example if two people observe a dress, one person may see a blue dress, but the other being colour blind, may not. Thus "blue" isn't a mechanism or quality of the dress, but rather of the mechanism of its perception.
Idealism
This is again an extension of relative realism. Since all we "know" is based on internal representation of the outside world, one cannot prove the existence of the outside world since all proof would be via the means of our own sense, and thus merely representative. This theory also leads to the idea that physical things only exist when being perceived. So our tree would not only fail to fall if no one were to see it, but would also fail to exist.
Phenomenalism
John Stuart Mill was a phenomenalist. This is again an extension of the idealism theory, yet it argues that unobserved objects can exist since it is "possible" to observe them. Although it accounts for the existance of unobserved objects in this way it still postulates that all experiences of our external world is indirect, via internal representations.
Causal realism
This would be one that the scientific amongst you would probably like the most since it takes the view that the purpose of perception is to navigate our external world therefore our external world must exist. (A philosophical argument for "evolution" or the "design argument" perhaps?) Our external environment has certain qualities that over time we as beings have become attuned to recognising and navigating through and around. It does reduce all perception to merely information gathering, but it remains at time of writing the most satisfactory account of perception. It differs from the common sense argument above in that it allows for those errors or shifts in perception and doesn't assume that what is being perceived is actually always "truth" in the same way.
Head hurting yet? or do you just think it is?
So, what we really have here is a chicken and egg scenario. Every one of us can only perceive our external environment through our senses. They are the means by which we determine the world around us, and we can never view the world but through them. (Think of it as akin to being locked in a cinema, with the screen and speakers the only window the outside world)
Do we know what we don't know yet?
Hundreds of years ago, due to lack of astrological knowledge, people would perhaps take things at "face value" The moon for instance, getting bigger through the seasons or when near the horizon, would probably be believed to actually "be" bigger, since there was no knowledge base to refute that argument and people could see that it certainly "looked bigger"
Here we have the paradox. It is only through what we "know" that we can question the "unknown". We now "know" about the moon, its orbit and the reasons why it appears larger or smaller. We "know" it doesn't actually change its physical size. But that knowledge has been acquired through the use of human senses and thus is open to interpretation. With that comes the realisation that those interpretations may be inaccurate.
If you've ever seen the film inception, you'll get the idea of a dream within a dream, or perhaps the matrix where humans are all living in a VR world of computer generation. Those might be extreme version of the hypothesis that everything we perceive might not actually be as it is. But they are perfect illustrations of that concept.
Of course if you'll indulge me in a little conjecture here in stretching things beyond the bounds of pure theory, if one brings in another human quality - "emotion"- things can change once more. Why? well much like the colour blind example above it has more to do with the observer than the observed. How we perceive things is one question, how we interpret that perception is another, but they are of course linked
It's why certain songs will raise a smile or a tear, and certain words mean many many different things to different people.
The songs don't change, but our perceptions of them and the meaning ascribed to them does. So, since everything we observe changes us, does that mean we can never observe the same thing twice in exactly the same way? Since we are never the same having observed it the first time?
Yeah, sure you're welcome, that conundrumn might keep ya awake at night.. assuming you're actually not already asleep that is..
But the point of that segway into emotion is to highlight that were there only a screen and the outside world "not real", then one would be heading toward solipsism, or a view that only one's own mind exists and is real. In which case why do we have emotion? Emotion exists to enable us to interact with others, ergo it's an evolutionary mechanism the existence of which proves the existence of others.
Any how verbose verbiage and vexatious vagaries of language aside, that's it in a nutshell. Reality is something we only ever perceive and thus we cannot be sure it is reality at all since the scientific method would be to observe it via two independent routes, which of course we cannot do.
What we can do however is to observe two or three variation of phenomena to prove or disprove theories around reality and our world at large.
But that I'll leave for the next chapter in Nigel's book, which happily enough is all about Science...
It's been an interesting few days. The usuals ups and downs of life, plus some unusual ones.
A friend came around the other day who works in law enforcement and they, like myself have an interest in some of the ethical conundrums of life, and how we go about defining the legalities of it.
We had great catch up and natter about all sorts of stuff and have arranged to get some bike time in soon.. we have a shared history job wise and its nice sometimes to just take in that camaraderie.
Thankfully after an extended winter hibernation I've managed to pull my head out my arse and do some physical training. which is partly the result of something I alluded to in my last blog entry.
Belief.
My friend reminded me that many people have a belief in me, although sometimes I have a hard time seeing it and sharing in it.
I write a lot about trans stuff. After all its my lived reality so I tend to experience it and thus know a fair bit about some of it. However much of the discourse, difficulty & dilemma from that bleeds over into other things & other areas of life too.
Trans people often face rejections, abuse, recriminations, judgment, etc etc.. you've heard it all before I'm sure. But not just trans people. Anyone can experience much the same for various reasons, the results of which is that they develop coping mechanisms, just like trans people. Withdrawal, suspicion, distance and public fronts, or walls. We obviously do this as a self protection to prevent further harm, be it emotional or otherwise. Some of these coping mechanisms are healthy in moderation, and some particularly if left unchecked are not.
Withdrawal was exactly what I did when I lost my job back in Sept.. it took a random occurrence to shake me from that winter reverie and kick start what is usually a much earlier process of getting out on the bike. Somewhere during that time I'd lost the belief that there was any worth in attempting to change my predicament for the better, since it appeared most major decisions in that regard were not under my direct control.
If others have faced abuse, rejection, accusation and recriminations then I suspect many will do likewise. However you spend too long withdrawn behind those walls at your own peril. The solitude becomes like a warm fuzzy comfort blanket, and a safety net all wrapped into one. It's a low risk environment, and thus feels safe.
But as anyone in business will tell you:
Low risk is low growth and if you're not growing you're effectively going backwards.
We reach a point where those walls and barriers no longer protect us, they imprison us. They prevent us from being free to be all we can be and to give all we can give.
Like any prison, an escape requires both the will to try and the effort to succeed. The beginnings of that will reside in the belief that escape is possible, and therefore that an attempt is worth the effort.
For now it would seem with the help of others I've escaped my own self imposed prison.
Perhaps in time others will do similar, and if so, I'll be around.
This might turn into rant of sorts, as I've currently got a mixture of feelings, & emotions happening and the resultant cacophony of mental noise is raising to quite the crescendo...
Firstly ..
Life has been both cruel and kind to me. I have succeeded, had the toys, had the fun, the agency the money the "Kudos" etc...
Then it all went away.....
When you have little or nothing you're left with what matters. You.
Oddly, at this point the very thing that one needs to believe in is so often also the very thing that screwed it up in the first place. yes, you guessed it. YOU...
After a while even the most optimistic of people can get worn down by that. ... and the constant uphill battle to retake lost ground, be it personal, professional or fiscal.
Then If you're lucky something odd happens, usually when you're not looking.
For reasons unknown you realise something. That the world still believes in you. Or rather certain people in it do.
What's that I hear ya saying at the back... ? "Beware external validation, for there be monsters....?" ...yeah sure fair point, but living in a vacuum sucks.... Or should I say existing in one.
Which is kinda my point here.
This morning I found myself looking back briefly at photos of my old Skyline .. I do it quite often and I've probably bored some of you with pictures/videos of what I used to get up to with motors and my old sports cars...but this was different.
This wasn't cos of the money, the status, (whatever the fuck that is) or anything like that, and I wasn't feeling sad, hard done by etc. If anything I realised I was fucking angry.... but just a little, and if its possible to be angry in a happy way.. then I managed it.
I realised I missed the noise of that engine... I miss the smile it put on my face. The damn thing made the hairs on your neck stand up and the grin was always a mile wide when you dropped a couple of gears and booted it..... (ported head and race pipes. Well y'know.....)
Petrol is still there in my blood... and this morning I realised I want my life back. Not because I was better off. But because it was fun and worth sharing.
So.. lets start with the career...June 2018 bring it on.
And all this because I realised that someone somewhere believes in me....So perhaps I should too.
So for any of you reading this and doubting...
Keep going .... and believe that the Impossible can turn into #I'mPossible.
How many times have we heard that defence? Usually, although not always, from someone who has just voiced an objectionable viewpoint or questionable statement.
Now ok, we all get to have a right to an opinion, and its been said that opinions are much like arseholes, (in that we all have one...)
But....
How do we counter this "defence" and what is it based in? Well some philosophers from the early 17th century - John Locke and Voltaire - had some thoughts on the issue as did the later philosopher John Stuart Mill.
Each of them postulated arguments as to what opinion "is" and the reason(s) why we might consider exchange of opinion valid or perhaps best avoided.
This was later built upon by the work of Karl Popper in the latter half of the early 20th century, he suggested via his thoughts on the "open society" that tolerance would actually lead to it own demise.
(one could argue that tolerance is NOT synonymous with pacifist approaches thus we may never reach an absolute state of 0% tolerance and 100% intolerance.. much like the scientific principles of equilibrium and osmosis and indeed Karl did so citing the need to defend tolerance with a measure of intolerance once a critical point was reached.....)
Two well known quotes from Karl are :
“The so-called paradox of freedom is the argument that freedom in the sense of absence of any constraining control must lead to very great restraint, since it makes the bully free to enslave the meek. The idea is, in a slightly different form, and with very different tendency, clearly expressed in Plato.
And
paradox of tolerance: Unlimited tolerance must lead to the disappearance of tolerance. If we extend unlimited tolerance even to those who are intolerant, if we are not prepared to defend a tolerant society against the onslaught of the intolerant, then the tolerant will be destroyed, and tolerance with them.
You can read the full article from which these quote were taken Here...
So since we all have an opinion, merely stating what your own one is does not prove it has, nor imbue it with, any validity. Similarly shutting down the arguments around that opinion reduces our ability to learn, consider and grow as individuals and thus society.
This "shutting down" isn't limited to the knowledge of specific viewpoints and opinions and whether they be correct, valid or otherwise. In my view it also concerns the methods by which we arrive at those view points. In my video I pose the question "how do we know where the limits of discussion are?" And at what point does opinion become "harmful" in the sense of Mill's definitions and thus worthy of censure?
If you have a free 15 mins have a cuppa and listen to a few more thoughts...Apologies for the squeaky chair.. i'm gonna sort a new one soon!
Well food for thought isn't it?
Again, my own view is that we discover "that point of censure" by means of having the debates in the first place. If we allow a pervasive culture of no platforming to persist over a long enough period of time (say a generation or so) these academic skills are diminished, if not lost, and whilst people may still believe certain viewpoints wrong/right, they may well lack the (well practiced) critical thinking and analysis skills to explain why this is so as direct result. (not to mention the researched evidence base) This skills atrophy would apply equally to political arguments be they conservative or liberal, Scientific argument, ethical debate, you name it.
Knowledge of how to discuss, critique and argue is as important, if not more so, than the topics being argued about, so as I said in the video, we need to be mindful of that balance point. The equilibrium of censure, and acceptable argument.
After all.....not every liberal is left wing nut job, nor every right winger a Nazi. A detractor from LGBT issues is not a necessarily a bigot, and not every cis (non trans) person hostile to trans issues...
Perception and reality are two other concepts that play into this when one considers the truths of any argument. And that's where I'm going next... Nigel warburton's comments on appearance, and reality, be that of arguments or otherwise...
I thought it was high time I revisited my mini series on the the book by Nigel Warburton. "The basics of Philosophy"
In this case: Politics.
I have taken a while to write this compared to the other two or three articles I've done from reading Nigel's book. That's because I've been watching. The UK and US political arena's are currently very very ... interesting. So I've been watching and thinking about the points made by Nigel in his book.
Dependent on your POV The US Republican & UK Conservative Party policy's are either "get stuff done& cut the beuracratic BS" or becoming "scarily autocratic" regimes. TBH It's most likely that people are somewhere on that scale, liking some stuff and disliking other bits.
We are just over 100 days into the current POTUS tenure and now heading into a UK election. To say the situation is volatile and unpredictable is ....imo putting it mildly.
Unlike the previous articles where I go into huge detail on the terminology and sections of Nigel's book, I'm not going to do that here. But if you want to do some further reading, look at these concepts.
Equality: Why? between whom? and with reference to what exactly?
Democracy: Direct or Representative? Does voting work? is democracy an illusion?
Freedom: What does this mean? how is it limited and why so? Negative freedoms?
So here is a potted guide to philosophical politics, or the philosophy of political debate, and also my thoughts on where were are at currently in the UK and US.
The basics of: Politics.
Ask anyone what the "goal" of politics is, and you might get a number of answers. It depends on precisely who's goal we are talking about. The people or the decision makers? Are they in fact the same? How do we know? Let's say we broadly mean "Society". What is the goal of politics in society? What is its purpose?
To answer that, consider what happens when politics fails. Politics "is" the art of talking, discussion and crucially, of making decisions, deals and producing outcomes. Those decisions should be - and mostly are - justified on the basis of being "in the best interests of...." and theoretically at least are reached via compromise, and mutual benefit.
So if we accept that view of politics, when this process fails the alternative is what? Insular and very protective arguments, lack of progression, frustration, removal of common purpose or its recognition, and ultimately if unchecked, war.
Tiny, Small, Medium, big, ....Biggest....
The neighbours fighting over a tree that is blocking light to one of the windows. Cats digging in next doors flower beds. The price of oil on the stock market if bought in bulk. Trade agreements, national boundaries, fishing quotas, even sovereignty. All these examples can and do have an element of political negotiation involved in their process at some level.
So politics can be thought of as negotiation for mutual benefit and thus reward, the societal goal of which is "Peace", or at the very least the "absence of war", which is not quite the same thing.
The Athenians had a very rudimentary political system where anyone could spend a day on the council for decisions. However one man who observed this was .. yes you guessed it... Socrates. He observed two things.
1) Too many people with differing needs results in no decision.
2) Those on the council for the day often didn't really know anything about the things they were to decide on, thus often made the wrong decision.
As a result society eventually comes up with a compromise. An elected representative political system. The "many" actively select "a few" to represent their interests. However this has a few holes and problems as we shall see.
So this is what we call "representative democracy". Something pretty close to what most countries run on today.
But what of the individual living in society? Sure the "absence of war" is to be applauded but there are other simple needs. Food, shelter, work and/or employment, health care, law, order and safety. There are moments in the life of a democratic system where these mean differing things to differing people, for reasons of their own morality..
For example in the present day US we have the recent legislation for same sex marriages. And the resultant religious freedom bills that have been put in place to either "protect" religious liberty and ideology, or "circumvent non discrimination legislation" dependent on ones POV. Both of these legislations are supposedly conceived via the proposers sincerely held moral and ethical judgments & beliefs, yet they are diametrically opposed, even mutually exclusive.
So what do we do here? who is right? and really, is there actually a wrong? With that in mind, It's not hard to see why Politics is so problematic for society.
It really comes down to just two words.
"Interests"
and
"morality"
Both can be "societal" or 'personal" concepts., and in each case their erroneous application causes problems:
Church and state
In the US currently one has to admit that there is a close relationship between religion and state. There is however a constitutional and legal framework for how these two institutions should be kept a reasonable distance from each other.
But why is this important? There is much talk of the first amendment and the constitutional "separation of church and state" in the US, by which one usually means the "Christian" church. However this is often miss interpreted. What is actually written suggests that congress shall:
"....make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances."
The grounds for argument here is clear.
Let's say you fundamentally believe that "marriage" is between a Man and Woman (leaving aside the definitions of each for now...) Well then the constitution should not permit the passing of laws limiting your free exercise of that belief if it stems from religious conviction. So if you as a cake shop owners choose not to bake a cake for a wedding between two women? ....is that ok?
If its a"moral" viewpoint born of religion it may indeed be protected. However, what do we mean by "free exercise" exactly, and to whom does that apply? Furthermore, if you take the parts of Christian teaching that talk of "an eye for and eye" etc, and apply the same logic, can the government therefore legally prevent religious honour killings?
One cannot of course condone honour killings, and nor could we rationally argue that they be legally sanctioned. However it follows from this that if they cannot be allowed, then the cake shop owner is on dodgy ground, since the underlaying premise for each argument is the same? (freedom of religious convictions) This is why the first amendment needs to be looked at in conjunction with other laws to ascertain which of them takes precedent in a given set of circumstance. Why can't we condone honour killings? because it's murder... pretty obvious... In the case of cakes, anti discrimination legislature took precedent, via the 9th amendment:
“The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people.”
in essence .. "its not about cake" or "water fountains".
It's about people, and how we interact with them. One cannot suggest that "my right" to "A" is greater than "your right" to "B" if by carrying out "A" distress or harm is caused and "B" happens to be a protected right under the 9th amendment.
Now consider the other view point. You're "for" same sex marriage. So if the government sided with the religious arguments in favour of a fixed definition of marriage, could it be said to be forcing people to conform to a religious view point ..? I suppose one would perhaps have to oblige them to marry to actually make that argument..but tis food for thought. It certainly would be awkward to explain that away in respect of the 9th amendment.
And of course we can ask in this context what is a "religion" exactly? One could interpret one's sexuality as a religion in the legal sense here, thus the government cannot block the free exercise of that? ... Of course that just becomes a can of worms, & I am deliberately stretching the point....... Jedi anyone?
I jest but you get the idea. Things are rarely clear cut. As a result it is abundantly clear that pure theological arguments of morality are not best suited to use in legal and societal terms. (unless you'd like to go back to loosing hand if accused of stealing of course?) Rule by religious theocracy is by definition exclusionary of anyone not sharing of it's founding beliefs and/or principles.
That is not to say the holding of theological beliefs is wrong. It is the application of them in a legal sense that is problematic. Which is why there must be clear boundaries between the theological and the judicial. An individual citizen in the US has the right to choose their religious belief. They do not however, have an opt out of the legislative process.
Trump's "white" House. Who's ethics are they, and in who's interest?
Yet, as I look at the US, it would seem that a fledgling theorcracy is what is being proposed. There are a high proportion of old school Christian white middle Americans with a certain world view that are populating the corridors of power at present. The rule of law, with properly seperated secular judicial review is slowly being supplanted by moral and ethical judgements based in theological tradition, which are then erroneously passed off as legal expertise & packaged as in the best interests of all, when in fact this is not the case.
Err no Jeff..Sorry...
Traditional party lines seem to have been somewhat circumvented by the need to be White, male and "Christian" in the fundamental sense. Tis a view that sits well with the die hard separatists and those who fervently preach and believe that America belongs to "the white race". (whatever that is) whilst still going to church on Sunday. I have to wonder, will we look back at this time in history as a "knee jerk" to having had a black president? The flurry of orders that came from the pen of Trump seemed at one time to have no purpose other than to eradicate the name of Obama from the legal statute. The only way they made sense was through the lens of a white supremacist cleansing operation.
Of course there are practicing devout christians who are not of this ilk. Some may even disagree with the principles mentioned here in. Thats ok. No one is wanting to outlaw disagreement...(yet) But wilfully discriminating against your fellow human on the sure and certain belief that you're inconvertibly right? That's a whole other ball game right there, and thankfully ACLU et al seem to be doing a nice job of defending those who otherwise would have no means of reparation.
Needless to say all of this worries me. Theocracies are known for being less than forthcoming in the art of political compromise and discourse, suspicious of science and independent thought. Discouraging of education, and controlling of the public access to it, they are based on fundamental beliefs that are often mutually exclusive of competing theocracies, relying very much on the un swerving doctrine of controlled teachings.... otherwise people might start to believe the "bad hombres", or that dinosaurs actually did exist and that the earth actually rotates around the sun.
None of this bodes well for America, or the world. And whilst a country and it's government is bigger than it's "personality" figure heads..."The Trump" as a climate change denier, and his VP as an evolution sceptic, are fully paid up members of that white christian fundamentalist mostly male club. A scary "theory" indeed and the biggest single challenge facing the American political system in decades.
Watch this space.
But what of the UK?
I'll get to that, but I'll save it for next time...
So how you all doing? I'm gonna post today's random ramblings on both my blog titles, since I can't decide which one it best fits
If ya haven't guessed it I have couple of opportunities in the offing over the coming weeks that may or may not result in a move of home.
I've been in my current house for just over 5 years. Not too long for some, but for me a life time, since the previous decade and a half saw me moving sooo many times I have lost count, with the longest period in one place being three years.
It's fair to say then that the prospect of moving after pretty much getting settled is ...well daunting.
Concurently with all this happening, I recently completed some work on my bike and rather than write reams about it I had video'd the process, vlogging the repair as I went. To do so I uploaded some of the videos to my youtube channel.
This use of youtube is where life started to wander off on a trip down "Nostalgia Avenue", I found a you tuber that I had followed some years back..more to do with trans stuff than anything else, and she had returned after something a hiatus. She still had a few subscribers, myself amongst them, even after the long break...
A few years back I used to do ALOT of this you tube stuff, all to do with cars, nuts bolts, breaking and fixing things.
Sooooo.... had a look at some of my old videos, mostly to do with the automotive stuff and even after all this time there are still 40 subscribers still on there! (like what?) with one vid hitting something like 8k views... (ok ok hardly viral but y'know thats a fair few)
So, I've sat and wondered "what to do about that?" I mean I haven't exactly done much spannering on sports cars, since 2009, but I did put a whole new front suspension in my old van. Vanessa is a game old girl, 160,000 miles, tired, a bit rusty, but she stubbornly keeps going. One day I'd kinda like to tidy her up a bit, purely for my own amusement and honestly, cos she was bought for me by a family member in what were very difficult circumstances and taken me where i needed to be in tough times. Yeah yeah .. sentimental ..so sue me...
I am told a two lire lump from a cavalier might fit... petrol conversion.. wonder if anyone has ever put a combo van down the drag strip at Santa pod?
.....nah, but seriously it would be nice to perhaps be able to return in some way to my automotive antics. I'll aways be a bit of a JDM nut, but then again I've often fancied a VAG camper too...
Here's a bit of what i have previously got up to... back when I had more money and less hair...
After having to/deciding to get rid of the sports cars, which was, I have to say, a damn shame and frankly a stupid move, for a brief time i had new toy.. 2011 saw me playing with:
I can still remember the look on the faces of the others in the barrack block when I walked back in that day having been under sealing the bad boy... I mean c'mon, you don't seriously pay other people to do that shit do you? its waaaayy too much fun....
I also pissed off the RSM of the camp, who to be frank, had "big badge in a small world" syndrome, by leaving the truck in the "wrong place" I often wonder how he coped when he realised the real world outside his bubble will happily walk all over his "authoretay" ....probably ended up a traffic warden.. couldn't happen to a nicer twa...er guy... but whatever I digress...
Mind you I wasn't the only one playing with automotive toys back then... ... I had some partners in crime too... the guys I grew up with are a funny, lovable bunch...
Perhaps if things pan out, with this new possiblity, I may well resurrect the old "spanner monkey" you tube channel for a bit of petrol headed nonsense. I have hankering for the two wheeled variety.....
*ahem*..... BMW GS1150....*ahem*
Who knows?. But whatever the outcome, every now and then when the road ahead is uncertain, it can pay dividends to look in the rear view mirror and remember just where we have been. And more especially, how we got there in the first place. You'll know from my last post that confidence is movable feast for me. ;-)
I am however going to Vlog the road trip and parts of the two days in south wales. ..I mean .. cmon..why wouldn't you?
So keep ya eyes peeled people.. though I dunno what the title will be yet....
"The Spoken Sprocket" gets "stubbornly optimistic"....
"Road trip rambles"?
The "Sarah & Vanesa chronicles....." ?
The Vanessa Vloggs?
Ok.. i'll stop now, don't want to turn into just another "pun"dit....tada!....
Heard it before? I have many times. But oddly when I get out and about, or see folks it's just the opposite. It's when I'm stuck back home, doing very little, with the little that I am able to do, that the clouds of mental weather start to gather.
And yet on occasion I find my self adopting the "hot chocolate advert pose" You know the one right? A pretty woman wrapped up in a woollen scarf, all cosy. The camera man gives it some soft focus as she stares wistfully of in the distance, both her hands cradling some delicious cup of warm chocolate goodness..
So yeah I kinda do something like that .. and stare off out the window, or into my own mental landscape and I can't help but observe the madness of it all with a wry smile.
So many people that have crossed my path, and I theirs over the years. I hope I left them better than when I found them. I know I am richer for meeting some of them, and wiser for having met the remainder. I carry some fond memories.
At times, it's handy to remember that whilst the effort, work, challenges and changes of life will inevitably continue, that we are simply here, now. This is where we are.
Life just "is"
It'll be different tomorrow. Might be harder, easier, better, or worse. You could be richer or poorer, You'll certainly be older, and whatever happens, this moment will never come again and life will never again be the same as it is now.
We humans spend so much effort worrying about what next, where next, etc. Spend too much time looking away, to the stars, to the horizon, and your mind will not be on where you are, and what you are doing. As result you'll probably miss the very point of being there in the first place.
Do that for long enough and you'll arrive at the end of your "three score and ten" on this earth feeling like you missed half the show. Sadly, there is no replay. This isn't life "on demand".
So I guess all I wanted to say today is grab yourself a mug, and enjoy a "now " moment. Because, just for now, everything is OK.
This one goes out to the man who mines for miracles
This one goes out to the ones in need
This one goes out to the sinner and the cynical
This ain't about no apology
This road was paved by the hopeless and the hungry
This road was paved by the winds of change
Walking beside the guilty and the innocent
How will you raise your hand when they call your name?
Yeah, yeah, yeah
We weren't born to follow
Come on and get up off your knees
When life is a bitter pill to swallow
You gotta hold on to what you believe
Believe that the sun will shine tomorrow
And that your saints and sinners bleed
We weren't born to follow
You gotta stand up for what you believe
Let me hear you say yeah, yeah, yeah, oh yeah
This one's about anyone who does it differently
This one's about the one who cusses and spits
This ain't about our livin' in a fantasy
This ain't about givin' up or givin' in
Yeah, yeah, yeah
We weren't born to follow
Come on and get up off your knees
When life is a bitter pill to swallow
You gotta hold on to what you believe
Believe that the sun will shine tomorrow
And that your saints and sinners bleed
We weren't born to follow
You gotta stand up for what you believe
Let me hear you say yeah, yeah, yeah, oh yeah
Let me hear you say yeah, yeah, yeah, oh yeah
We weren't born to follow
Come on and get up off your knees
When life is a bitter pill to swallow
You gotta hold on to what you believe
Believe that the sun will shine tomorrow
And that your saints and sinners bleed
We weren't born to follow
You gotta stand up for what you believe
Let me hear you say yeah, yeah, yeah, oh yeah
Let me hear you say yeah, yeah, yeah, oh yeah
We weren't born to follow - oh yeah
We weren't born to follow - oh yeah
Failure is temporary, the need for effort eternal. Sarah
I've just returned from my Bi-weekly appointment at the job centre to sign on. Whilst there a very kind lady with whom I had met a number of times had picked out a few leaflets she thought might be useful and helpful to me, since I've now been out of work for 225 days, and she knows of my qualification levels and background etc.
It was a leaflet for the Army Reserves. In which one is allowed to complete 200+ days in each year with no adverse effects to ones job search benefits. It's good money, and in my younger days I enjoyed it.
It made me think. (no surprises there eh?)
A bit of History..
Some time ago after I'd left regular service and nursing, I chatted with a friend who is in the army reserve and who more or less offered that i could rejoin my old unit (back when i was a part time soldier it was called the TA) However, given the history I have with the army, trans, etc I was at that time somewhat reticent.
But what of now?
The lovely lady in the the job centre was looking at the financial angle, and to be honest its fair point. I'm very strapped for cash, and AR could solve that issue.
However. Back in 1995 when I first walked through the gates of my old TA unit, I wasn't there for money. I was an idealist. I believed in the goodness of the British Army, the UK and its mission to bring british values and common sense to situations around the globe.
Yeah yeah I can all hear you laughing already.
Nowadays I'm not so sure if I actually believed that or just never really questioned the stuff I'd been lead to believe from an early age. As a young 'un i was hungry for success, and affluence, I wanted to make a difference, do something worthwhile and interesting, and have a ton of fun whilst doing so. I was once asked by an officer during basic training why I had joined the medics:
"To patch up the holes made by other regiments, Sir"
It made him chuckle and we all got an early finish for that.
Life in uniform has taken me to Germany, Iraq, France, Cyprus, Gibraltar, and Wales. I've moved around, been moved around and done some pretty cool stuff.
But was it Fun? Difficult question to answer that one. I'll fall back on a description of my one and only operational tour, that I coined some years back.
Hours of boredom, punctuated by seconds of shear terror,
but made possible by many moments of laughter.
The people were and are the best part of my experience in uniform. But theres the rub. people were also the worst part, and remain the most unpredictable.
My experiences in life have lead me to become more of a realist than an idealist these days. I am now aware that some rules are applied, and others not, whilst still others are applied when and if the situation demands, in something of an interpretive manner. All of which have varying moral significance. So what of this idea of joining the AR?
Well, I still believe wearing a military uniform is something one doesn't do purely for money. "why" is a more pertinent question than if it were say, part time at tescos's. So if I was to look at rejoining there would have to be some other reason.
I am a very different person to that 20 year old kid who first walked into the barracks. Not just in the obvious sense of trans stuff, but also due to 22 years of accumulated experience and "knowledge" (whatever that might be). My notions of ethics, politics, humanity, nationality plus all manner of other things lead me to question whether a military uniform might not button up just little too tight over so many opinions and questions. I have little time for autocracy, or "badge fights" so the likelihood is high I would run into many conflicts.
I no longer "believe" in the innate common sense of the British way, or its lauded values. That Britain is long gone, if it ever actually existed. What we have now is ...something else.
"Why" are the AR looking for people? Well one can suggest that its due to the redundancy and cuts the military have endured over the recent years. The organisation's own people have been very much short changed, after having committed much more to the "job" than the average employee might otherwise. Thus, it feels somewhat mercenary to jump back in when others have been pushed out, and quite frankly, theres no trust between those in the uniform and the politicians that decide their fate at present. The oft quoted military covenant as it were. All the management stuff i've considered academically over the past year points to it being a can of worms in a shit storm of incompetence.
But there's more to it than that. If I do not believe in what the British Army currently stands to protect, in the corporate sense, then were I to once more step into uniform, that would be merely for personal gain. As Kant might suggest, the maxim upon which that action is based could be judged as somewhat immoral.
Or in other words, sacrificing my principles and what little idealism I have left purely for financial rewards. Thats the very definition of selling out.
Don't misunderstand me. The British Army, as an instrument of UK diplomacy, still has its place. it's just that on balance, I believe there's no longer a place for me within it's ranks. Those who consider philosophy and questions of that nature are in general looking at the meanings in and of life. The conclusions I've reached lead me to believe the meaning of mine now lies in another direction.
What that direction may be we shall have to discover via other means.
It's ironic that some of the very things my time in uniform taught me are now the same things keeping me out of that same uniform.
