The Orange Juice Question....

Whhoooa haven't been on here in a loooooooong time.

#stubbornlyoptimistic wha's dat den?

It is a place for content and musings of an emotional and thoughtful nature from yours truly. It may at times be random, and has no real set content or subject matter save the one of resolutely not giving in to life's incessant pressure to make people believe they are not "good enough" or don't "have enough" or cant "be enough" etc etc etc...

Its been a busy few months for me, life changes, professional challenges and the obligatory monetary considerations conspiring to keep me away from the bloggers keyboard in favour of the other tasks that commandeer my efforts. I've put in a lot of time on the bike early in the year,  I'm in the process of sorting out a long term nagging condition the resolution of which is resulting a more relaxed and chilled version of myself, which is good, and all in all i must say I'm feeling pretty positive.

All except for one tiny detail. I am drawn back time and again to a lecture given by Dr Wayne Dyer many years ago.. (youtube, you have a lot to answer for....) I'n this lecture an analogy used to describe the human spirit goes something like this:

"...you squeeze an orange, what happens? ...Juice comes out....what kind of  juice... "orange juice?" .. any chance of  lemon or  grape fruit? ...does  it  matter when or where the orange is squeezed? or who squeezes  it? ....Nope.. always orange juice..."

Ok .. not too difficult a concept. Now .. heres the  question .. WHY?

Some might say because  "its an orange" ..... but it wasn't always full of  juice.. as a seed it was  still an orange seed..but... no juice... (copy-write Michael Macintyre) No the simple answer as to why you get orange juice from an orange when you squeeze is because:

  "that's whats inside"

So? I hear you all ask: why is this bothering you and why are you squeezing metaphorical oranges? Well if one squeezes, or applies pressure to a person by means of stress, workload, or other life pressure then the inference is that the person's reaction to that pressure comes from inside much like the orange juice.

And this is the bit that I'm mulling over, heres why I am a little concerned and introspective. Currently even though a lot of good stuff and plans are progressing and in general I'm a happier chilled out person, with Fido (my own emotional black labrador) behaving beautifully in his basket, If I'm squeezed currently what comes outta me is a whole lota anger.

So I've been kinda busy with "why" over the last few days, pondering what it is I'm still angry about after all these years, and in some subconscious kinda hippy dippy way what it is thats causing this rather bitter orange juice to over flow on occasion.

I've been through the mill a bit, but hey to paraphrase the little green dude in a galaxy far far away .."when 42 yrs old you reach look as good you will not hmm?" So all in all I'm genuinely of the  opinion that life in the "now" aint all that bad. However ..roll it back a few years and its a different story... Low self esteem, loss of lucrative job and lifestyle, let down by a flawed system and bad management....lost house.. broken relationship(s) ..you get the idea...

I hadn't really figured out the  "orange juice conundrum" until today. I read a piece about letting go in relationships. and in it the  authors simply summed up the neatness of why I'm subconsciously doing the hugh Jackman wolverine act ...

"Lack of perceived progression along a predefined route to "happiness" ..."

In a relationship one meets, dates, meets parents, moves in ...proposes, wedding, babies, etc etc etc... its all plotted out .. and many relationships fail because one or other partner gets to a point where reality deviates from their subconsciously ingrained model. Now its ok to deviate. however some people are so attached to the model that they slavishly keep looking for it, casting aside anything that doesn't "fit" their internal "successful relationship mapping"

Subconsciously I realised that I was doing the same. not with relationships, but rather with the concept of  "successful" and the internal pressure at 42 yrs old to have already achieved it. I was submitting myself to a pressure of always being "late" like the white rabbit in Alice through the looking glass.  Much like the rabbit i was consequently emotionally directionless...unfocused and thus making the problem worse. Not having achieved enough, not having enough and not being able to do enough brought about a perceptual frustration..which when squeezed by outside  influences caused an angry outburst.

Eureka! by jove she's got it!

...but hold on... how do we fix this? Achieving more isn't gonna help I'm just gonna be further  behind? giving up? nah too stubbornly optimistic for that (see what i did there)  No the answer is to simple stop framing "success" by old outdated parameters. Stop focusing on whats wrong, or absent or what cannot be done. look instead at what you have, and can accomplish, look for the opportunity in the situation and you're more likely to notice it, or  see the means to create it.

More over when squeezed...be mindful of the old mental train tracks down which lazy thought processes run. Walk down a different mental path and see things from a different vantage point.

So to let go of the anger I had to let go of the "expectation" of attaining something as per this "progression map" that seems to have sub consciously gotten into my head. I need to emotionally adapt as well as physically and fiscally to the new circumstances as they are rather than striving to get back to what they "used to be" Sure One day I might once again be at a similar kinda place in terms of resource. but one can never go back...

It's been five years now since my cozy little bubble of unknowing ignorance collapsed inwards and the world revealed itself to be a harsher, some what less certain place than I had fondly imagined. The fact that happened is not cause for anger and recrimination, rather its a learning curve, and one from which I'm still discerning the lessons.

Till next time.... stay #stubbornlyoptimistic

Rocks, water and waiting

So.

What to write today.

Well, to be honest theres not much to tell. But there is a whole heap of positivity heading to and from the SpokenSprocket HQ currently.  Serendipity and synchronicity are lending a hand to my endeavours of late. And as a result I am feeling grateful and compelled to write a few words.

With all that life has put in my path, and all that thus far has occurred in my 41yrs it's perhaps unsurprising that I am prone to moments of introspective reflection. Some of these are invariably more negative than others, but on the whole the balance usually ends up on the more positive and optimistic side. Because i choose it to be so.

Sometimes our plans do not go in the way we might wish. On occasion they may take longer to bear fruit, or may appear to fail utterly. But, the thing I have discovered during the last 3 weeks or so, is that even when this happens, and things don't go as you initially planned. Acting in a manner that assumes the end goal will still manifest often does often result in just that. The minute we resign ourselves to the impossible, we accept lasting and permanent failure.

So, if you have a dream, plan it. Act on it. Believe it is possible, accept no limits on possibility and it will be so.

"Everything built by the hand of mankind has been made twice. For it first must be imagined"

Post run pondering on life love an the universe.

Hello peeps,

First thing to say is that on this blog entries will owe more to my personal thoughts and life direction than to the bike industry, so if ya after bike talk then you might wanna skip over to The spoken Sprocket on blogger.  😀

It's currently 2359 on a Sunday night and after a 6 km run at somewhere around six pm I've been in a pretty positive frame of mind. I went running to put some distance between me and Fido, the black dog of depression that is ever my companion if I am unguarded of thought and emotion.

Recently as a result of my transitional gender status, I've received the gift of friendship from some awesome people, and gotten closer to a few older friends and acquaintances. Their kindness of spirit is a great boon in my life, for which I'm ever thankful. I've also been privileged to support a very dear friend through quite a rough patch. 

"Ah" I hear you ask, "So ok, why if that's the case and it's all good was Fido pawing at your leg? " 

Very good question. Sometimes an episode can be set off by specific things, events or situations. In other instances there's no discernible root cause. In my case this most recent wobble was brought about by some realisations after a lovely night out with friends. 

Many people who find themselves on the trans spectrum struggle with acceptance. Both of self and also from others. Whilst everyone was faultlessly lovely on the night out, I became aware afterwards that I wasn't. I'd been watching people in the bar, just observing the usual couples out for a night, young/old, new relationships and those who maybe had been together a wee while. The result was growing awareness of  subconscious jealousy of that which I and others like myself have to "fight" for, yet the vast majority seem to be effortlessly and unknowingly gifted with. Namely that of unquestioning acceptance of identity and your place in the the world. Plus a dawning realisation that frankly, I'm lonely. 

Now for some context. Throughout school I wasn't a popular or cool kid. Mostly I was the butt of jokes and the girls never looked the side I was on until much later in life. So unknowingly I'd developed a subconscious opinion when in group settings of "no ones really gonna be that much interested in me". Couple this with the understandable reaction from many when first introduced to a trans person, in that they initially need to recalibrate their internal world to "fit us into a box" within both that situation and society as a whole. I began to realise I may be "Single" for a very long time. 

Straight off I'm gonna say this isn't about sex. It's about finding someone to share hopes, dreams, fears and tears. To laugh about daft meaningless stuff and come up with silly schemes or great plans. To share in good news, or bad, and with whom you can form a mutual evenhanded support system for each other. I've had relationships and even been married. But for whatever reason that special person has thus far eluded me. 

This last bit hit me hard. I've devoted much of my life to helping others, it's kinda how I'm hard wired. Yet aside from the professionals, plus family and friends, who's picking up my broken pieces? The thing with being of a helper mentality or mindset, is that often we feel we cannot burden those whom we help with our own issues and thus carry much of them hidden away, unresolved, and fermenting nicely in the dark recesses of the mind until chance and circumstance bring them to the fore. 

So it was on this occasion. A small observation unleashed such a tide of negative emotion that I momentarily had to tread water as my feet came off the bottom. 

How does one resolve this? Well like everyone else, by getting out and meeting people. But hold on, as a trans type that's kinda a double edged sword. I feel a bit like the hulk in these situation. ( no dafty, not big green and angry..) Totally exposed, with no armour to fend off the bullets of vocabulary and the volleys of opinion should they be aimed or offered. This leads to fear. Fear of the exact social circumstance one needs to be in. Fear can only be overcome if there is a belief that the risk of facing it will result in positive outcomes. It is this belief that seems lacking in myself presently. Ironically being in that environment engenders feelings of sadness, which makes people less likely to want to chat. 

So next time you're out and maybe see a lone trans person nursing a drink at the bar or in a corner alone. Say hi, it may be just what they desperately need to hear, just to reassure them that yes life is on the whole a good one and somewhere in this infinite universe of possibilities there are people who may just "click" with them.

#stubbornlyoptimistic