The "OOO" tree.

Hi,

Recently my work is taking me into a space that is truly between the ears. As the podcast audience, readers of this blog and my website will know I examine the "things that make people tick" and to some degree help them keep time with the world.

This has taken me toward the works of Erving Goffman and Anthony Giddens. Sociological analogies of performance and narrative in creating the internal (and projecting the external) views of self.

But I've been compelled to jot down these few Scribbles not because of that, but something slightly different.

It's odd how one can find oneself at times almost inexplicably drawn to certain people. Perhaps this is mere illusion born of the retrospective lens, but it does seem when I sit back and consider where this journey of self discovery has taken me, and the questions it has posited, that life has somehow managed to ensure that those with answers to those questions cross my path.

Perhaps this supposed coincidence is an act of wilful creation, since often one only "see's" what one is looking for, but I am not entirely convinced by that argument since one can look and still never find.

It is tempting at times like these to look for a theological answer... people point to "God" working in mysterious ways" or "ancestors having put in a good word with the big guy" etc.

Perhaps, But I prefer a more secular thought path. I recently coined the term "Optimisticality" to explain what it is that I "do". Optimisticality, I would say is "The art of being stubbornly optimistic"
Of seeing the oak inside the acorn.

But it is more than that. There are, at time of writing three "O" s that are central to my philosophy of optimisticality.

Optimism?
Sure... that's there. In the roots. Without planting yourself in the soil of "possible" you won't grow. .

Optimisation.
The trunk. The process and routines by which we build resilience and strength, raising the branches out to a height and spread where they can reach...

Opportunities.
Which will present themselves regardless of whether your branches reach or not.

So, water your tree (or acorn) regularly with belief and curiosity, build a strong trunk. And maybe when opportunity presents itself, your branches might just reach far enough to enable you to grasp it. Allowing leaves to sprout and the tree to grow yet stronger.

If so, you'll marvel that "luck" brought you into contact with those opportunity. But really was it luck?

or something else?

Seneca the Younger

Sarah.
xx

Christmas and New year is upon us!

Hello again! Well well here we are. 2018 almost at a close and just a few short days away from another Christmas.

It's usual in these periods for people to sit back and reflect on the year that has been and consider their hopes for the year to come. I am no different, and It occurred to me this morning that I perhaps should share some of that on this here blog.

Over the years since starting this blog I've commented on trans issues, politics, my growing love of philosophy and a bunch of other stuff. so lets deal with those big three.

Trans issues.

I've taken a proactive approach to my own life,  and decided to learn about this and related issues. it's meant I've ended up wandering down some intriguing and sometimes hurtful paths, some lead me to "lightbulb moments" and others anguish and heart ache. Yet others have lead me back round towards an ever intriguing point. Trans issues are at their heart relating to some fundamental question about the human experience.

Existential questions can be problematic, especially for one such as I who is prone to over thinking, But they are also useful, since the very essence of our perception of existence is "awareness" and also awareness of our own levels of awareness. (Socrates "didn't" know this - or did he?)

I've watched from the sidelines. This year I've ran some training sessions and given some talks, (I'd hesitate to call them lectures at this stage) It's interesting to meet people and gain insight into their own perspective on trans gender as a phenomenon. especially in the light of its recent reclassification by the WHO. (ICD -11)

Which leads me neatly on the the politics.

Trump and May are working out as predicted, i.e., not. I really think 2019 may see the impeachment of 45, and don't get me started on Brexit.

All this "individualism" and cultural push by the current ruling parties to focus on the person as the ultimate bearer of responsibility puts me in mind of Thatcher suggesting "society doesn't exist"

Society is an evolutionary mechanism observed by anthropologists and Attenborough's alike. It's not some pseudo political frame work one just puts aside. As a species we are a social animal and therefore we have a structure within which that functions.

It becomes even more interesting when you turn your attention to watching what the current political pinnacles tend to do with the institutions of education. Trump and Devos dont seem to value it, other than as a tool to deny knowledge to those who would oppose them at the polls, or as a whip to punish.

In the UK university fee's go up, loans get bigger, the cost of accommodation for students is now astronomical. In 93 to 97 my student digs were 45 quid a week and I lived in a big old town house with 7 others, self catering. Now its like walking into a hotel lobby, with Vita student, and other large business feeding off the ecosystem of loans that has built up around an institution that is supposed to be about knowledge. £8,700 per year in loans of which £170 per week goes back into a private company purse for accommodation.

Some of the brightest students may well be "managed out" of this system by circumstances that have nothing whatsoever to do with their aspiration or academic ability.

And third, My growing love of Philosophy, which hasn't wained at all.

In taking an observational and interested academic view of the twists and turns of my own life, like I say I became intrigued by existential questions of life itself.

As Tim Minchin says, "theres nothing better to be done with this one meaningless life of ours but fill it".

So I endeavour to do so. Fill it with hope for the future through my two wonderful girls that I look after, who are both growing into beautiful and considered young ladies day after day.

Fill it with thought, considered learning and enquiry, applied curiosity if you will. I am currently laying foundations for what I hope will be a successful research project and some future collaborations in the years to come.

I ask my guests on the podcast (did I mention I've podcast now ?) "what is it that makes you tick - and keeps you wound up" because I truly am intrigued by humanity's best attribute, it's tenacity in the face of adversity. The will to keep going.

Stubbornly Optimistic started a mantra for me, an affirmation if you will that my "spirit"  will not give in to external pressures. (very Stoic)

It seems it resonates with others too. and that is a good thing. You can find the podcasts on iTunes and Anchor, `Spotify on others... just hit the link.

Optimisticality on iTunes - listen here

So, it's been an interesting year, with lots of changes, like any other. But although I haven't been posting in here anywhere near as much as I once did, (because the facebook group and website get more attention, I remain as stubbornly optimistic as ever.

Have a great Christmas, and a Wonderfull new year. See you all in 2019. ;-)

Sarah.
xxx

Welcome to a brand new day, and Updates from 364 others!

Well hello... a long time since I last posted any metaphorical musings in here isn't it?

In fact if you look it up, as I just did, you might be blown away by the shear coincidence that it is exactly 365 days. The last post being Sept the 11th 2017.

Wow. serendipity and synchronicity playing their parts I guess. Freaky how the mind works, since that was entirely NOT planned I promise.

(I'm discounting the youtube video for project back in black since that was more link than a post)

So Hi! I'm 356 days older than I was, and now it's 3 years to the date since I had what people might call a "proper job" Since that point I've been building this self employment gig after my last job ended in 2016.

What drove me to post up on here after all this time? Well a few things but before we get to that lets give you guys a background on what I've been doing since that time.

1. I took up running! and got really slim, and probably close to being in the best shape of my life. 
2. My daughter asked to move in with me, which was and is AWESOME! 
3. Then another young relative has also moved in for an open ended period of time, also AWESOME! 
4. My left knee decided it doesn't much like running any more so now I am awaiting physio on that and am switching to swimming as my endurance sport of choice. 
5. Recently I've sold the bike, since I cant make use of it any more to any appreciable level due to knee pain
6. I have discovered through a long term friend a guy called Tim Ferriss. and as a result am embarking on a study of Stoicism. 
7. I started and completed the first year of teacher training, building confidence and technique in front of a class, and have as of yesterday deferred the second year until 2019. 
8. The business has morphed a little, and continues to evolve along with it's owner. 
9. No I didn't manage to get the car back, yet. 
10. I reconnected with few old army buddies and some of the wounds of the past are beginning to heal. 

So what of now? 

Well I've started a podcast.  a few weeks back we launched the optimisticality channel on anchor where myself,  friends colleagues and mentors all chat over what it means to motivate ones self and others to greater and better things. We look at how that is achieved personally, professionally, individually and societally. 

You can find the podcast on iTunes here 

Theres a website too, with accompanying blog posts that lives here at "Optimisticality.works" 

I've discovered green tea with honey... really rather refreshing if one doesn't want to overload with caffeine throughout the day.

We continue to have galactic battles in those far far away places on the x wing table and our D&D game is strong with my two main characters being up at level 13 and 14 respectively.

(For those not up on this story I play a rogue elven princess and a large blue dragon born - you can find our adventures on the obsidian portal here)

Actually phill and I completed an epic battle with the huge x wing ships recently and we filmed some of it with audio so that may well surface at some point too.. particularly ahead of the x wing 2.0 re release of the game.

As I write this little update here I can't help but remember a quote from T.S Elliot which I used many times before

"We shall not cease from exploration, and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time"

So it is with Stubbornly Optimistic. I have returned to this blog with a new found knowledge of the founding principles of the affirmation that got me through some very dark times, and no doubt will continue to do so in the days, weeks, months and years ahead.

It seems fitting therefore to close this little update with a quote from Seneca himself:

Keep it real people, and remember:

"change the way you look at things, and the things you look at change"

Chasing the bend whilst collecting pebbles.

Hi Internet,

So what's occurring the world of Sarah?

Well last week saw me start the first of two years training to be a teacher in the adult education sector.
So that's got my mind busy, and eyes focused on where I plan to go next professionally. It's slow, like all courses when they first start, with a bunch of admin stuff that needs be squared away but once we get going it should be fun.

I'm gonna be teaching .......(drum roll)... Human biology for access to HE. (with a side order of management to mix it up a little)

I've got the syllabus and it sounds cool. I'm looking forward to it, although i'm gonna have to get my head back in a few books so I can tell my Vas deferen's from my Vesicles again, cos its been a while since I delved in quite so formally.

So thaaaat's nice.

The new bike business stuff has started slowly via people who know me and also funnily enough many people cycle into where I'm gonna be studying so .. mebbe that'll help.

You tube and all the philosophical stuff has been a tad neglected as has this blog since "real world shit" kinda had my attention for these past few weeks.

Which brings me to the point of this update.

Tree's, woods and details

Sometimes we humans get lost in the detail of a situation. Constantly looking for meaning instead of letting things be as they are. For someone like me who unceasingly asks "why" that can occasionally take one to places that can get a little weird. It certainly has recently.

Particularly when attempting to understand another persons viewpoint, and why they hold it.

In wheel building there is a term called "chasing the bend" Once you get a wheel true and straight to a certain point where its ridable.. say within 0.1 of a mm, occasionally one can get stuck in the detail of chasing the bend beyond this point. Usually in an attempt to get it "perfect".

The bend really doesn't make any appreciable difference at this stage and were you to take the wheel out the jig and spin it by hand, the naked eye wouldn't even see it.

But... being so focused in on the process, so intent of the detail, one can occasionally pay more attention to things being "right" than whether the wheel will actually do what it needs to do.

So it is with life on occasion. The things we see, the things we wish for and strive to reach can be right there, in front of our nose, but we keep "chasing the bend".

Disease called More.

I watched a few videos from a guy called Wayne Dyer a few years back. Psychology type. A phrase he coined for this is being afflicted by a disease called "more"

Always wanting "more" leads to not appreciating what one has, and that points one's actions towards beleiving what "is" to be "not enough"

I did that alot in my former life. for a variety of reasons, some more valid than others.

On pondering all of that this morning whilst out on Jonny 5 (my trusty T130) I once again recalled the words of Bruce Lee. "water is shapeless, formless, it can crash or it can flow"

Water is a powerful thing, if given enough time. It'll carve great chasms out the earth and wear even the biggest stone to sand.

When under enough pressure it can even cut a wheel's surface to a "perfect" finish. Yet one cannot grasp water. One has to be slow, gentle and controlled to hold water in the palm of ones hand.

So perhaps it's time to stop "chasing the bend" The wheel is already good. Time to learn the patience of water, and the gentleness needed to be able to hold it.

To do otherwise risks destroying what 'is" when it's already more than enough.

Sand and Pebbles

I love the coast. Quiet beaches. I can spend ages sat quietly staring out to sea. Sadly I get massively sea sick so boats and me aint a good mix, but the vastness of that expanse of water is somehow engaging.

Constantly moving. Doing what it does. Shifting creatures, pebbles and sand alike.

My kitchen is full of little piles of interesting water sculpted rocks that my daughter and I have picked up during our visits to coasts and rivers. They look quite arty in a way...

But despite the ever growing collection, the beaches we visit haven't gotten any smaller. I'm sure there are many other kitchens with similar little piles. Piles that in and of themselves are just rocks. But each one holds a memory. Of a smile,  a chuckle, a joke, or even someone falling in the sea and getting far too wet.

It's not collecting the rocks or pebbles that makes these little piles of stone special. It's knowing why we did so.

But some pebbles have to be left on a beach. Sometimes the sea hasn't quite finished molding them. Without them there would be no place for the other pebbles to go, and maybe get found by some little girl doing cartwheels. Or anyone who collects pebbles for that matter.

Which is good. Because it means I can still occasionally visit, sit quietly and stare out at that vast sea.

There is always another wave behind the one that just crashed ashore.

And who knows what it brings with it. Maybe a pebble that wasn't quite ready might wash up twice.

I'll keep my eyes open. 

Staring back outta the mirror....

Hi Internet!

So regular followers of my scribbles with know that "Yours Truly" is a trans gender person. In my case someone assigned male at birth who is making something of a transitional journey towards her own intrinsic gender identity.

Recently a few things have occurred and I've had a few conversations with close friends that have lead me to sit here and type a few words once more on the subject.

Self definition. 

Much has been made of this term in regard to it's context when defining one's own gender identity. However tonight I found my self pondering its wider usage. How does one define oneself? By intent? words? actions? beliefs? looks? It's probably a messy mixture of all the above.

Back in my uniformed days there were 6 core values constantly impressed upon us.

• Selfless commitment
• Courage 
• Discipline
• Integrity
• Loyalty
• Respect for others

More recently I've indulged an interest in the Japanese culture. Bushido, loosely akin to the samurai code, lists 7 virtues.

• Integrity  (Gi)
• Respect  (Rei)
• Heroic Courage  (Yu)
• Honor  (Meiyo)
• Compassion  (Jin)
• Honesty and Sincerity  (Makato)
• Duty and Loyalty  (Chu)

It's not hard to see the similarities in both. However it is interesting to note that Honour and Compassion are absent from the first list.

Honor, or "Meiyo"  and "Jin" for Compassion are interesting. Since one can seek to embody these qualities both outwardly - directed at and projected into the world - but also inwardly, towards oneself.

Gender dysphoria and friends.

Mirrors can be awful things when in the grip of dysphoric feelings and perceptions, or indeed other forms of self doubt, dislike and dissatisfaction. That's when compassion for and of "the self" comes in very handy.

Part of an inscription that I have as my computer screen background reads:

"Through intense training and hard work

 they become quick and strong. they develop a power that must 

be used for good. They have compassion. 

They help their fellow man at every opportunity. 

If an opportunity does not arise they go out of their way to find one. 

"Warriors have only one judge of honour and character, 

and this is themselves. 

Decisions they make and how the decisions are carried out

 is a reflection of whom they truly are"

Underneath which is written...

You cannot hide from yourself. 

When I piled on the weight and sank into a depressive state back in the fall of 2016 I gave up on my honour. I hated being fat. I hated being unable do things. I also hated the damage that I was doing to myself.

So it was when I finally hit a point where I couldn't hide from myself any longer I got back out and ran.. well initially I waddled. then walked, then jogged, then jogged and walked, then shuffled and now... now I am almost running properly. 

I've been "almost running' alot, and have made in roads to getting back out on the bike, so the waistline is improving and the double chins reducing. Plus since I'm training with typically feminine levels of hormonal activity then my physical shape is slowly being honed into something that more closely resembles where my head has been for many many years.

I often quote socrates, so here is one of his:

“No man has the right to be an amateur in the matter of physical training. It is a shame for a man to grow old without seeing the beauty and strength of which his body is capable.”

But it took an act of self directed compassion to get me back out. I had to forgive myself for letting all that prior training go, and accept that I was gonna be embarrassingly slow. I had to decide to persevere. Not for the sake of the time i could put in "today" but for the time I would be able to put in 1 month, 2 months or now 3 months later.

Yet Meiyo isn't just about physical stuff. It is the way we approach every task, every thought every interaction with ourselves and our fellow humans. How does one judge oneself?

By the results and consequences of ones actions, words, thoughts and intentions, that's how

Time is wonderful teacher.... 

But how are we to learn consequence? We cannot know what is likely to occur without some experiential knowledge of what has been before, therefore we must learn by our mistakes, and grow from them.

There are alot of mistakes staring back at me from that mirror. A lot of failure that resides behind those eyeballs. And yet, as I consider Jin and Meiyo, one must have the "Yu" to willingly risk such failure, for to not do so is to live a half life.

The paradox here is that the potential for one's greatest success therefore resides within our past failures. Without them we cannot grow, learn or have any knowledge of consequence, and thus true self definition

So.. If you find yourself staring in the mirror and being drawn to the things you don't like, the memories you don't enjoy, or those thoughts you find painful. Practice a little self compassion, be gentle, and allow the time needed to discover how to learn from those past experiences.

Eventually you'll see that all those things you currently dislike were perhaps your greatest asset in building the person you are yet to become. It may not be a physical activity or weight issue. It might be educational, work related, or simply that you just don't like where you are in life, or how you arrived at this point. Wondering "what if I had done this or that differently"

Ultimately you are where you are in life. right here, right now. That is an effect, some of the causes of which stare outta that mirror. If some are mistakes, then Lucky you, look how much there is to learn from!

As a result you better believe you absolutely can define your own path from this point on.

So... where to now?

xSarahx

Boldly going where this blog hasn't gone before...

Hi all.

I haven't posted in a while cos I've been busy on the other blog and Cycle business website, plus sorting out the millions of jobs that randomly appear in a new workshop.

This post is gonna be quite short too.

It's just to let readers of these "stubbornly optimistic" blogs that there is now an accompanying Facebook group which you can find:

at this link 

I know some of you probably don't find these writing via Facebook, so I thought it would be handy to add in that platform.

I'll be posting in there stuff i find on the net, a few short comments and shorter reflections on life, cos lets face some of these blogs have gotten massively looooong over the years "chuckles"

Also i have decided to make use of my long dormant tumblr account so you can find the stubbornly optimistic tumblr pages

at this other link 

So thats it really. Theres gonna be a dedicated you tube channel soon since i am migrating much of the  "just Sarah" stuff across to a fresh channel with a new look to it and wider content planned for the coming winter.

Until then stay happy, smile lots and remember ... sometimes all ya gotta do is decide which box to tick...

Press pause to reboot

So

It is a sunny Thursday afternoon in the shire a little before 2:30.  There is literally not a cloud in the sky, and the sun is streaming though the windows of my hobbit hole as a gentle breeze stirs the hedges in the garden.

Some days it pays to be still. To watch the wind and listen to the grass. There are many things I could do, and I'm sure many more that I perhaps should.

But for now they can all wait.

I've become very aware that the space I inhabit is increasingly virtual these days, be that online or just in the furtherest reaches of my own head. My world has shrunk almost beyond measure from it's previous expansive proportions. Although since the mind is essentially limitless the irony of that paradox is not entirely lost on me.

All the inherent leisure like distractions in modern life err towards artificiality, whether that be via games, films, videos, or other online stuff, the one common thread is that they all promote a situation wherein one removes one's self from the reality of the present and projects into, or onto something else.

But on occasion I don't feel entirely inclined to that escapism: sure, we all feel the benefits from time to time and who doesn't like watching a well worn story or "blowing shit up" every now and then. Years back when Sony brought out the playstation (The first time) and gran tourisimo was orginally released, I clocked up a staggering amount of hours on that console, and completed all the tracks, the 100 lap races, all of it. I probably (still) know the laguna seca track as well and anyone who has "actually" been there.

However none of that time on the playstation actually achieved anything. So it is perhaps with the online and virtual worlds of today. A whole heap of data, just sitting, waiting to be discovered under that blinking cursor, or search button. But does any of it actually achieve anything?

No.

Any achievement comes from what is done with any given data, and the actions that result.  Of course if one mis interprets that data those actions may well be .... questionable, which is why we humans sometimes get it wrong.

But thats ok. Getting things wrong is just a stepping stone to getting them right.

But every now and then the system needs a reboot, a pause, and time to listen to the wind whilst watching the grass.

So today I feel like spending some time "with me" as it were. In the present, being present. Here. Now.

As for the rest...